AJAX BELL

Author of the Queen City Boys books

Tag Archives: muzik


by 1 Comment

speak less, do less

Sometimes I feel like I just temporarily lose my words. I can’t write, can’t blog, can’t evenr eally talk to people about anything important. I try, but it feels forced and bizarre to me. I doubt other people notice, other than I seem quieter than usual. I’m not sure it’s part of my hormonal cycle, or if I’ve been too social, spoken too much and I need to gather everything up before I start again.

Mercury is in Retrograde which seems to be manifesting for me by defeating my projects in tiny ways. Int he last few days I’ve unable to find the thread and other pieces I need to finish projects, I’ve broken needles, discovered I have no replacements. I had my work schedule ramped back up. I feel like I am losing time. Fall is rushing in too quickly and I can’t get everything I want done.

Song for the day: The V-Roys – No Regrets (click to download)


by Leave a comment

swing time

The song for today is “Kiss Me” by the Joiners (you can dl the whole album for free on their site).

The last couple days put me entirely into the fall mindset, however the weather still says late summer. I feel alternately unhinged and out of sorts, and even, normal and steady. It’s like swinging on an insanity pendulum. I do keep having these flashes, quick moments, when I can see my life from outside and it is the life I want. I mean having enough money to do more than just pay bills would be great. But overall it is clearly moving in the direction I want it too. I feel good about it. And wildly anxious. It’s uneven ’round here right now.

It is 222 days until my birthday.  Last night I dreamt I was with some people who were celebrating the day of my conception.  I think that was in Late August though.  Huh.

Is there some sort imaginary universe I can move to where I get paid to procrastinate? Because I’d be GREAT at that.


by 3 Comments

“I was just nowhere near your neighborhood”

I should have gone to bed two hours ago. Instead of sleeping I am drinking red wine and watching Singles. It’s making me incredibly homesick for a Seattle that doesn’t even exist anymore. For some reason this makes me want to pack a small bag, put an add on Craigslist Spain, offering to marry any guy in Barcelona to get citizenship, and disappear in the middle of the night. Or maybe it’s the good Spanish wine (and overdose of political blogs) that is making me want to do that.

Seriously though, the Seattle of Singles was kind of a fairytale to begin with, but even the Seattle it was based on is long gone. I’d say no one could understand what I mean, but I know for sure Boots does, and the other night I ended up in a long conversation with a friend’s sister who was lamenting the years she lived in Seattle in the 90s going to the Cha Cha and Linda’s. The apartment building in the movie is across the street from my middle school, a few blocks from where Boots and I grew up. Every filming location is instantly recognizable. It’s making me kind of teary.

The movie does almost entirely miss the point of the social movement in Seattle at that time. The characters aren’t even caricatures of anyone really living in that time at that age. But damn, the music is also making me, uh, not homesick, but, um, nostalgic, I guess. Though I always imagine nostalgia containing some sort of concept of wishing you could return to that time. I certainly don’t want that, but I do feel oddly heartsick for the loss of it. For the fact that only a few of my friends remember it. For the fact that my little sister will never know it. For it being strangely lost to my history in a way I could never completely share with a lover or a future partner. And of course my sister will have a version of Seattle that I will never really experience. And any potential partner doesn’t need to share my past because we’ll build a future and blah blah blah. Gah, I’m at risk of becoming maudlin here.

Tomorrow I will wear bright colors and walk in the Tennessee sun. There will be no unseasonable black tights, no North Face rain jackets (why do extras in this movie have umbrellas? No one in Seattle would carry an umbrella), no lamenting the loss of the SuperSonics. Look to the future in the clear light of day!

Say look, it’s my horoscope for tomorrow/today:

There are so many reasons for you to think positively about your life, so try not to focus on just the bad stuff! If you can just stop and let yourself see your life with clear eyes, you should be able to sense a new beginning coming. One that, in turn, that will give you the confidence you need to move into a new direction. Why not take a chance on someone who’s new to the scene? Add a bit of risk to your life right now, and you will embark upon a very exciting path. You’re feeling great about some new project or plan you’ve been putting into action, but you need to slow down just a bit, lest you overdo it somewhat. Just try to find a balance in your life.

Balance. Yes. As necessary and as hard to find as love.

Song for today: Labor Day – Goodness (click to download)


by 1 Comment

rainy everything

It’s sort of stormy here.  Though in more gentle way than I’ve come to expect from Tennessee.  It’s grey, windy and probably going to rain some more, but even with the heavy rains it’s oddly mild feeling. People keep saying it feels like fall, and I guess, because it’s grey and cool.  Still the light hasn’t hit that just noticeable difference that really means fall, and the air does not yet have the sweet scent of decaying leaves.  So I’m going to stick with late summer and storms.

However I did buy new jeans and a sweater the other day.  I’ve been talking about corduroy skirts and tights and fall shoes.  The true indicator of season change: when I start thinking about the clothes for the next season.

I spent a bunch of time changing all my auto-pay stuff for my bills (even though I got my cards back after the robbery, I’d already canceled them, so I had to wait for the new ones).  Only discover that I had most the important stuff set up directly from my bank account, rather than on my card number, so that change was unnecessary.  Go me for having the forethought to set things up like that, boo me for not remembering that I’d done it and stressing myself out.

Song for the day: Dolly Parton – Somebody’s Everything (click to download)


by 1 Comment

I’ve got a song in my heart and it is over-caffeinated and not in charge

Today’s songs are:

Bruce Springsteen – Long Walk Home (click to download)

Blue Rodeo – 3 Hours (click to download)

Sometimes I pick a day’s song because I can’t stop listening to it (for instance the recent “Angel of the Morning”).  Other times, like today, I pick them because they came up on my iPod while I was working and something about them struck me.  Today’s specific choices came up back to back and both struck me as particularly meaningful at this day/hour/moment in my life.

When I first started doing this, three or so years ago, I used to post lyrics and try to explain why this particular song.  Now I just post, as I assume any song’s meaning will change with the listener.  So I simply put them out there, because I got something from them emotionally, and maybe you will too.  Also I suspect that only Rhiannonhero is downloading them, and I probably don’t have to explain to her (even though she’d love it if I did). 🙂

I am now sitting here listening to Bruce Springsteen, lamenting that I don’t get to go to the concert tonight.  Boss Daddy and Chef Daddy are going.  I asked Boss Daddy if that meant I was in charge of the restaurant tonight.  In a classic parent move, he told me that both PranavaGirl and I were jointly in charge.  Heh.

This morning I went to the new coffee shop next door where I got a lovely, effusive, friendly greeting from the owners.  They’ve only been open a week or two and I’ve only been in maybe 4 times, but they always thank me and say glad to see me, in a very genuine way.  I mean, yes, new business, so they are glad for my patronage, but seriously, I live 15 yards away, they serve the best coffee ever, so yes, of course I’m gonna be there if means not having to make my own coffee.  Still it’s nice to have people seem so happy to see me first thing in the morning.

Also last night I dreamt I was opening a museum with the cast of Scrubs.  It was going to be an amazing museum which would magically educate everyone in the world to ‘right’ (my way of) thinking.  As you left the museum you’d be routed through a huge book store and after seeing the exhibits everyone would be compelled to buy many books and read.  Hmmm.


by Leave a comment

Old tin cups, and little paper dolls

I had the craziest dream last night.  In which I worked for a corporation, in some distant future, that had perfected robotics and nanotechnology.  The corporation was utterly corrupt and sort of destroying the world.  I ended up in some epic battle with the evil leader and destrpyed her and also unwittingly unleased all the nanobots into the world’s ecology, where they sort of interbred and ate the entire surface of the planet and all the people, but this wasn’t bad.  The nanobots replicated everything, cell by cell as they ate it, so we all still existed, memories, personalities, everything intact, but we were made of the nanobots instead of our regular cells.  Some people with careful practice, began to be able to control the nanobots in their bodies, essentially making themselves immune to disease and potentially immortal, able to change their haircolor and appearance at will.  They became, in effect, witch doctor wizards, as controlling the nanos was  a skill that couldn’t be taught and only a select few developed the skill.  All the world’s environmental problems were also solved when the nanos rebuilt everything, and most the large cities were destroyed, the population, what was left of it, was redistributed into small, ecologically sustainable towns.

So, yeah, crazy dream.  I often have these insane dreams that have whole plots and character arcs, usually in excellent sci-fi futuaristic settings.  I just can’t quite remember them well enough to tell the story, or rather to write the actual story with the intensity that I dream it.  I need to figure out how to tap into the dream stories better, so I can write them.

I am doing much better today.  Work was crazy busy last night with lots of regulars coming in, asking if I was okay, as most had heard about the robbery through the neighborhood grapevine.  And I’m glad everyone is concerned about me, concerned about crime in the ‘hood and all.  But maybe I need a pin to wear or something tells people what is appropriate to ask me.  I mean, “Are you doing okay?” is acceptable.  “Are you traumatized?” is not okay.  I’m not sure I can pinpoint the distinction, maybe it was in the way people were asking.  Also, so far I am okay, and I’m getting a little tired of the sympathetic, semi-pitying expressions on people’s face when they ask how I am.  Ugh.  On the other hand, I could use more cuddling, love and telling how I awesome I am from my friends.  I guess I just don’t want it half-assed from acquaintances.  As always I am a contradiction.  I want to be babied and feel taken care of, just only from the people I choose, I guess.

To that end, I had a nice morning, coffee at the new place next door with T-Rider, who is finally back in town.  Now I am prioritizing my work task list and contemplating going and getting a pedicure instead of doing work.  I should wait ’til Saturday so Ladybug and Miss M can go with me.  *sigh*  Work it is.

Songs for today:

Whiskeytown – 16 Days [acoustic version] (click to download)

Tom Waits – Ol’ 55 (click to download)


by Leave a comment

moving on down that broken, unsteady, rough road

Breaking up is always shitty.  Sometimes it’s worse than others.  Worst when you get what amounts to a ‘it’s not you it’s me’ from some one you were really, really into. Blah blah blah blah it takes time to get over it.  And hey, I’m very patient person, but waiting for the pain to pass is one of the things I just can’t abide.  I’ve done two days of not getting dressed or showering.  Taking pills to sleep so I don’t lay awake crying and wondering what is wrong with me.  All the dishes are done.  Laundry done and put away. MP3s tagged and sorted.  Computer files cleaned and organized.  Tons of crap food eaten.  The blinds are hung on the porch.  The trash is out.  Tons of bad TV and movies watched.  Yes, any time is way too long to fuck off.  And yet, two days isn’t enough.  But then a week isn’t enough, a month isn’t enough.  So I stop at two days.  Get back to life, back on the horse, oh fuck me, but it’s got to be done.  And sure yeah, maybe I’ll get over it faster if I’m busy.  Maybe not.  I’m torn between obsessively throwing myself into work and ignoring everything else.  Or.  What?  I don’t know.  Throw screaming temper tantrums at the universe for being unfair?  Pout, mope and generally be unpleasent and unbearable to be around?  Meditate on what lesson I can take from this?  Ugh.  Work it is.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  My horoscope for today:

Creativity and the more enjoyable side of life are going to be a central feature for you for awhile. Let details take care of themselves and take the time to enjoy yourself and stretch out both at work and play. When something feels right, whether it be a new idea or the opportunity to just have a good time, roll with the feeling and don’t put on the brakes.

If that isn’t a license to dress slutty and drink whiskey then I don’t know what is.

I think the most horrible part of breaking up is how you don’t realize that you spend all day mentally cataloging things that you want to tell that person.  As  soon as you can’t tell them anymore, you can’t seem to stop coming up with things to tell them. It’s like this constant reminder of what you’ve lost.

I’ve eaten now, and finished my coffee.  So I will go shower and dress.  I will finish the work I didn’t do yesterday, go to lunch with the divine Miss M.  I will do even more work this afternoon and then it’s off to the restaurant.  I will not think about the break up for as long as I can because I am so tired of crying, I just don’t want to do it anymore.  I will concentrate on how awesome my friends are.  And work.  And trying to crush down the loneliness so at least it only feels numb.

Song for the day: Colin Hay – Storm in My Heart (click to download)


by Leave a comment

It’s the little things that count

Songs for today:

Cry – The V-Roys (click to download)

I’m Yours if You Want Me – Chris Thile (click to download)

I’m miserable today. No, I don’t want to talk about it. And it’s isn’t just me, a bunch of my friends have been sick or injured lately, a couple lost their jobs. Gas prices. The economy is grim. Blah blah blah blah.

So instead of me continuously dwelling on all that and my own current personal problems, let’s look at the good. (I am not Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm, butgodfuckingdamnit, I am going to look at the bright side if it kills me).

  • The weather in middle Tennessee is GORGEOUS right now. Perfect. Delicious for walking and running in. Beautiful for sitting in. This is the gift we get for the tortuous heat and the ugly winters. It is worth it.
  • We are getting a hammock. Porch sitting in a hammock. Does it get better than that?
  • I’m pushing forward, albeit somewhat slowly, but forward nonetheless, on the new websites. Fear me and the HCT/SROTS girls. We will be media moguls soon. Ruling the world here we come!
  • The art jewelry I’m making is getting closer and closer to perfect. It looks in real life like it does in my head! Hurrah. Working on getting much more made so I can be a rich fashion entreprenuer as well as media mogul.
  • I have dozens of episodes of Scrubs on the DVR to watch instead of feeling sorry for myself so that’s awesome.
  • Miss Sparkle and Ladybug are the best friends ever.  They bring me foodstuffs and ice creams and listen to me whine.  That’s what real love is, people.
  • I have the best momma ever.  And the best sister.  And my extended family is pretty freaking cool too.
  • My toenails are painted a pretty bizarre green color not found in nature.


by Leave a comment

the usual, breif, because I should be working

I have been having some seriously messed up dreams.  I can’t remember them when I wake, but I’m left with sense of dread and creepiness.  Bleh.

I find a high of 96°F with a heat index of 107°F to be fairly unbearable.  Yes, I know I live in Tennessee, I know it’s nearly August.  But man, I want to go for a nice afternoon walk outside without giving myself heat stroke and brain damage.

Song for today:  Passionate Kisses – Lucinda Williams (click to download)


by Leave a comment

sunny days, chasing the blues away

Am better than I was yesterday.  Low blood sugar? Hormones? Who knows, it was just wreckitude all around.  Work last night was INSANE. Busy is good because you make cash, but man, I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen it like that on a Thursday night in the summer.  YIKES.

Lucero tonight! WOO! Am anticipating being hungover tomorrow.  Lucero always does it.  I swear, even if I didn’t drink tonight, I’d still be hungover tomorrow.

Song for the day: What Else Would You Have Me Be – Lucero (click to download)


by Leave a comment

hot in the city

It is hot here.  I know I always say I won’t complain about the hot when it’s cold and vice versa but you know I am lying.  The biggest problem is, well, the sun.  The thermostat in my house is in the dining room, on the far west side of the house, in a dark and curtained room. My bedroom is on the east side, and sure I have curtains but it doesn’t help.  For the first few hours of the morning it is chill and lovely on one side of the house and sweltering on the bedroom side. Yes, I know the solution to this is to get up at 6 am and not be in the hot part of the house, but that doesn’t work so well for me when I don’t get off work until 1 am.  So the next best solution I have is to get a programmable thermostat and jack the AC up just for the early hours of the morning.  It might be worth it not to have to wake up groggy, with my hands all swollen, and just feeling yucky.

Also mosquito season is begun. Which means I’m all bitten.  Ugh.  It seems like I’m getting bitten the same amount but the bites aren’t as hideous this year. So far. And they go away in 36 or 48 hours.  Which is great.  Except when one gets bit every single day it doesn’t matter much how long the bites last.

Whine whine whine whine whine.

On the other hand, the sun is out and man do I love the sun, even when it burnses me.

I have a ton of work to do.  Hard thinking work. I think I will try and get organized first.

I will leave you with my current favorite song: Bruce Springsteen – Girls in their Summer Clothes (click to download)


by Leave a comment

brainless

Yes, work still consuming my fucking off time.  Lots to say, no time to say it.  Got clothes and  a song of the day and not much else for you:

Dealership – Faded Crushes (clock to download)

When I have time, maybe later today, hopefully I will remember to tell you about work last night, the people from home, the love of drunks, and boys & dresses but for now I will leave you with today’s dress:

Although I’m wearing it in dark brown (I did buy both dark brown and the pretty purple). I think it looks way cuter on me than it does in that picture.


by 1 Comment

Other things. That I forgot before.

I can not type today.  Every ‘o’ is an ‘i.’  My hands are not cooperating at all.

Mint 3 Musketeers is perhaps the best cheap candy ever made. Feel free to send me some.  If you love me.

I am purposefully, relentlessly upbeat, however, I do have a song for the day:

Sad Eyes – Josh Rouse (click to download)

Which maybe doesn’t seem upbeat at first, but it is.  At least to me.  Right now.

Also, message to the universe: I ordered mashed potatoes, why did you bring me SpaghettiOs?  At this point I might just say fuck dinner and order the crème brûlée.


by 3 Comments

Oh no! What will we do!!

I am unusually sleep deprived. Sometimes the anxiety that comes with stress completely overwhelms me. Still glad I quit my job, still excited about my new project, but, holy shit ton of work, Batman! Yikes. I called myself this morning by listening to one of my all time favorite songs, which of course I will share with you (and then once again name my blog after):

The New Pornographers – Letter From an Occupant (click to download)

And the picture above is one of my favorites I’ve ever taken. C & S used to have this fence cage in their backyard in Olympia, I assume to pen dogs in, but theirs was full of TVs that always looked like they were threatening to breed like rabbits and over take the yard. The picture sums up perfectly my absurd anxiety, “oh no! They are breeding! How did we get ourselves into this?”