AJAX BELL

Author of the Queen City Boys books

Tag Archives: heart’s desire


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hives

The internet is fixed.  The sink is not. Work was insane tonight, I got out an hour later than anticipated. I feel like bashing my head into wall, I'm so amped up and completely stressed. Just too many things going on, but a calm night at work would have been welcome.  Instead it was just crazy making. So packed I couldn't even have a beer after to calm down. Augh.  Maybe I should go run around the block or something.

If I can get through May, everything will be awesome. Light at the end of the tunnel. Deep breaths.

Things that are good:

  • the girls in my household
  • planning my Seattle trip
  • my little sister coming to visit in July
  • spring weather finally consistently perfect
  • small presents from friends
  • tzatziki
  • amusing horoscopes

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building up to the bang at the end

I saw Iron Man last night with T-Rider.  When Tim asked this morning, is it was awesome?  I said, no, FUCKING AWESOME.  I am however very conflicted about. Mostly because I can't decide if I want and awesome reactor in my chest so I can be a superhero, or if I want to be Pepper Potts, as my ideal job has always been as an assistant some super rich, eccentric person who will appreciate my wide variety of skills. (Hmm, that sounds somehow dirty when I put it on paper, I mean it all quite honestly and cleanly, you perverts.) I can ignore the gross stereotypes of Middle Eastern Terrorists, as it's been a stock cliché in movies for years now, and I don't see railing about it appearing in a delicious ice cream sundae of a movie, such as Iron Man, is going to change anything at all.  Also there were previews for the new Batman movie and the new Indiana Jones.  Hurrah!  Indeed the only thing possibly missing from summer movies this year is Matt Damon. And of course decent rolls for strong, leading female characters, but I don't feel like ranting about that today.  YAY SUPERHEROES!

I have about ten million things to think about right now, and one is moving this blog to a different host, as I need to test a few out and see how they stack up.  I'm thinking Typepad, as I've ruled out Blogspot and Livejournal.  But WordPress isn't out of the question.  Anyone else have any suggestions?

And saving the bombs for the end: I gave notice at my day job yesterday.  Yes, I recognize that this is risky move in the current economy.  However, it's sucking away all my creative energy and way more time than it should.  Also, while I don't want to publicly say anything too mean, or revealing, I don't expect the organization to continue to sustain itself for much longer, which would put me out of a job anyway. My last day here, I believe, will be May 27, then I am off to Seattle for a fews, and back to start my new life, however it will play out, in Nashville in June. I have a plan, which will surely be adjusted in the coming weeks, and hopefully keep me afloat and happier.

Hi, how are y'all?

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38 hours since I got you home safe

I am working, it’s boring, easy, addition of long columns of numbers, putting together donation reports from the last three years. Mindless and so I am obsessing over The Time Traveler’s Wife while I do it.  I lent my last copy out.  I might seriously have to buy a new one on my way home so I can read it again tonight.  And then in Rhi’s blog she was listening to “Propane” which is one of my most favoritist songs ever and somehow in my my mind inexplicably tied to The Time Traveler’s Wife (perhaps they stir up the same emotions in me?).


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want now!!

There's going to be a movie of The Time Traveler's Wife. Coming out this year.  Oh man, I want to read the book again RIGHT NOW.  Forget work. I want to be reading it now now now.  Such a good book. I hope the movie doesn't suck.  Seriously, I am so excited!

Was actually on time for work this morning, even a little early!  However hair not brushed, but in my defense I broke my hair brush this morning (yeah, don't even ask) and if I'd stopped to get one, I'd have been late.  I do need to start getting to bed earlier.  There's just too much to do in each day!  Also, I do need a minder.  You know, not like a babysitter to make sure I don't choke on my toys, but just someone nicely pointing out the time to me and helping to keep me on track.  It's pathetic really.  The busier I get the less I seem to get done because I get so scattered.  Didn't used to be like this, must be old age setting in.  Speaking of, birthday countdown is at 35 days.

It is COLD today.  Come on March, you are almost done, go out like a lion!  Shake off the cold and get with the fabulous parts of spring.

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cranktastic

How is it that I can go to Walgreens, or CVS or whatever, to get tampons or kleenex and a new toothbrush, and I come out $40 lighter?  I know it's my own insanity.  I'll be walking through thinking, "I've got great black mascara, and that brown is pretty good, but I hate the brush on the brown-black one."  And suddenly I'm spending 15 minutes in the make up aisle contemplating different brands of mascara before wandering off to find some shampoo that seemed promising from the commercial.  *sigh* Consumer hell.  I really need to go on a 60 day no buying anything but food cleansing.  Hmm, maybe starting in April.  As I was walking to and from Walgreens, I was cracking up over this.

I came home last night, exhausted, super cranky and starving only to discover that the internet and the cable were out and there was no food in the house. Ugh.  Fortunately Holly came home not long after and rescued me by going to get Mediterranean food and listen to me complain endlessly about Comcast.  (Love calling them because invariably it's, "yes, there have been outages reported in your neighborhood." Well fucking great, what are you doing about it?)

The only bright spot in my day is work tonight. I mean I don't even want to go, Painful Sets Tuesday, whooo, but hey, Kristen is probably working and that always the best part of my week. Well except for maybe when Jami comes by unexpectedly and entertains me when I'm doing something I'd rather be procrastinating on.  And new shoes would be awesome, but I don't have any money, so I'll have to settle for Kristen.  Not that it's settling, but, um, yeah, I'll just stop now.  Is it lunch time yet? Oh, it is? Woo!

I hate all my shirts today.  I think it might be time to rotate out whatever I deemed spring clothes last year and put in storage.  I don't even care about being cold any more, I just can't stand any of these sweaters and misshapen long sleeve tees.  I want cute shirts, damn it.  And sandals, but I can hold out another month or so for those.

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Barcelona, guitars and strawberries

So the weekend wasn't a complete loss.  I did get all my laundry done. I watched several crappy movies on Lifetime.  I cleaned the dining room.  AND, hah hah! I got the new bits of jewelry uploaded over at my Etsy shop.  This time it's Barcelona, guitars, mandolins, strawberries and other fruit.  I'm gleefully excited about these.  I think the next bunch will be in a similar vein, and then I have some other obscurities in mind for the future. Nw if only the actual warm part of spring would arrive, so I could do the toxic resin casting outside.

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I am in extra super procrastination mode today

Things concerning me right now:

  • can I wear yellow?
  • should I take the freeway or go through town to run my errands today?
  • if I can ever find a decent fitting pair of jeans, should I buy half a dozens pairs of them and be done with?
  • will it ever stop snowing?
  • why is my tattoo so incredibly, grossly scabby on the tender inside of my arm?
  • what if spring never, ever comes?
  • does anyone actually listen to Radiohead? Why?

Things I have recently learned:

  • if one gets epoxy in their hair, and doesn't notice until it's set, it's probably best to just cut it out, instead of trying to comb through it
  • tattoos hurt. I always forget.
  • I hate all my shoes
  • I can't really wear bright red

Things I want:

  • new jeans
  • new shoes
  • a pedicure
  • a massage
  • a 26 year old lover who looks like Brad Pitt.  Though I guess I'd settle for Joaquin Phoenix or Matt Damon

Ugh.  Reading this makes me feel shallower than I know I am.  Does it matter that when I can't sleep I read Rilke? Ha! Didn't think so.

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political tattoos dressed up for cold weather lunch with neurotic coworkers

I listened to this entire interview with Congressman Patrick Murphy (D, PA) this morning. Man, forget Obama, he's all idealistic and great speaker and all, but where are all the politicians like Murphy?  If guys like this were running the country I'd feel so much more proud.  Plus don't you just want to pinch his little cheeks?

—

I just realized that I need to call and confirm my tattoo appointment for Saturday, which made me realize, secondarily, holy shit, new tattoo! On Saturday!  I'm glad I was able to forget it.  The anticipation always kills me.  Of couse now I am totally obsessing about it and there's still DAYS to wait.  *sigh*   (AHAHAHAHA!  Just as I was typing this Pandora gave me Lucero's "All Sewn Up (in Bad Tattoos)".)

—

In a conversation this morning, I said, "I need a huge lump of cash so I can make my whole work wardrobe 'sexy librarian' and keep the casual wear at 'cowgirl.'"  I amuse myself so much.  But really, I think this a great idea.  This concept brought to you by today's out fit: pointy, pointy black heels, dark blue trousers, white blouse, floral cardigan in two shades of blue, hair in a bun, minimal make-up. Mmmmm, librarian sexy.

—

If I has a choice, I'd vote for no more temperatures below 40°F.  I am so tired of being cold. I can't seem to spend enough time complaining about how spring isn't arriving early.

—

I can't decide if I should just my lunch now, or eat a bunch of Girl Scout cookies and save lunch for later.  I'm not even sure I'm hungry exactly.  Just bored.

—

I just noticed that my hideous coworker has a 16 oz pump bottle of hand sanitizer on his desk.  Yikes.  I maintain that hand sanitizer is only for when you do not have access to soap and water.  Needing a huge bottle of it on your desk in a building with functioning plumbing? A definite sign of serious issues.

—

Every section in this post starts with "i" except this one.

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Who has a safety deposit box full of… money and six passports and a gun?

I am at work listening to Swinging Doors.  I am so ready for today to be OVER! At least the work part of it.  I have errands to run and my own work to do and while I know I should be focused on the job I am here being paid to do, I just simply am not.

Weekend was okay.  I was still sick for a good portion of it (and am still so, though it's just congestion now, without other symptoms, except maybe exhaustion).  I did get a lot done, I guess, though not as much as I'd hoped.  Perhaps I always have unreal expectations for the amount of work I can do?  I don't know, I do know I fucked around a bunch this weekend, and thus could conceivably have done more that wasn't fucking off.  

I did rewatch The Bourne Identity while I half-assedly cleaned the living room and put away some of my endless messy pile of craft-related things. The important question this movie has left lingering in me is, why doesn't Jason Bourne make out with me?  Good god, the man's arms are incredible. That scene where he and Marie get it on, and she sort of won't let him pass until he kisses her, and reaches up and cups her face and then she pulls off his shirt? Holy, good hotness, Batman. I felt like I might die from the heat rising in my face just from remembering it.  I think tonight I will watch The Bourne Supremacy, and then maybe The Bourne Ultimatum later this week.  I haven't seen the 3rd one yet, though I have high expectations, as my mom loved it, so I probably will too.  Still I remain disappointed that Matt Damon has never approched me at a low point in my life and offered me thousands of dollars to help him escape assassins. It's just proof that my life could be better than it is.

I look cute today: black knee-high boots, pleated wool skirt in cream and burgundy herringbone, white top, burgundy corduroy western jacket. My hair is fabulous and I think the outfit distracts from the dry, red, yuckiness that is my nose.

I'm sure I could find some more pointlessness to ramble on about, but I guess I should stop boring myself and go do some work.

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weak

Hols and I got home around the same time tonight.  In just over 80 minutes we managed to complete more house keeping and chores than we did in the entire weekend.  I'm not sure if this a win or an epic fail.

I am vaguely crampy.  I am distracted and somewhat useless.  I have a lot of things I should be doing.  Instead I am pointlessly surfing the 'net and watching Troy which isn't any better the second time, though I confess I am barely paying attention to it.

I am so ready for spring it isn't even funny.  Temps are hovering around average (51°F to 31°F) for the next couple weeks.  Then comes March, which, I anticipate to be filled what my PNW self considers average all around temps (60°F to 40°F) tolerable but not ideal.  Then the perfection of April-November.  Yeah, I complain when it's hot but it's so much more tolerable than ass freezing cold.  Also I am tired of wearing sweaters and boots.  I want my months of flip-flops back.  I want to not have to wear a coat.  I want flowers and green leaves. I am filled with longing for the day when one realizes the trees are filled with the particular chartreuse haze of spring buds.

I give up on today.  I am cold and unmotivated.  I will, perhaps, just go crawl into bed and read a book.  Maybe I'll make some tea first.  It's really all winter has going for it, cozy blankets and hot tea.

Let's all meditate on what my yard looks like in summer:

Summer02
Summer02

Maybe if we wish enough it will come faster?  And for comparison, winter:

Winter02
Winter02

Boo.

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the shoe is the thing

So it's roughly 90 days until my birthday. You know every year about this time I start counting down to my birthday. Like, ohmigod it's coming! And then it rolls around and the most ever manage to do to celebrate is maybe dinner with my family. I'm big on having no expectations for things, to prevent disappointment.  However, in this case, it seems like my birthday is always all build up and no pay off.  And I am so not complaining about this.  I rarely regret not making a big production of anything.  I do however, really enjoy the count down.  So think of it as your gift to me to listen to me rattle on about age, experience and other crap and bubbly, joyously count down for the next three months.

The QotD is about keeping clam and you know, I'm not calm.  I try and I know I often appear calm, but my general states are happy spastic and panic, neither of which is calm.  What does calm me down is shopping.  Shallow as that may be, it is for a me such focus exercise that I can do sort of a Zen removal from the every day and my other cares.  Even if I don't buy anything, the actual act of shopping completely calms me.

In the vein, I have been online shopping this morning to procrastinate from work, and to keep my blood pressure down from dealing with the people here.  So far I have found my annual spring anticipation list of shoes that I surely cannot live without, but will probably never get around to buying (so if I do drop dead suddenly, you can all attribute it to never having acquired the following shoes):

Megara

Edina

Rich N Hitched

Super Duper

Johnny Ramone or Rose Tattoo

Garmen

Legend Bramble (these I may have to spend my tax return on, as I tried them on last week and they are dreamy).

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it’s like, um, totally frumpy, but like, I can do better with my nice things

Validated: quotative like.

I just got a message from a vague acquaintance (a friend of an old fling), asking if she had heard correctly that I was doing the booking at the Station Inn. Um, no? And if someone is perpetuating such rumours about me can they please make an equivalent job materialize with it?

Breszny-scope:
Week beginning January 24
Copyright 2008 by Rob Brezsny

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “In the human heart new passions are forever being born,” said French writer Francois de La Rochefoucauld. “The overthrow of one almost always means the rise of another.” I suppose that’s true. We all have longings that come and go as we evolve. But I’d also like to propose an equally valid and contradictory truth: In every human heart there are a few passions that last a lifetime. They’re with us from the moment we’re born, and nothing can dilute their intensity. Our destiny revolves around them. These are the passions I hope you will define with precision and nurture with alacrity during the next eight weeks.

What does that even mean?

I’m feeling fairly old and frumpy today.  Timmy Mac tells me my new MySpace picture (taken today) makes me look like a pretty British girl. He flatters, as he always does, however, I’m so full of my own frumpiness that I can’t help but wonder if he means I’m hiding bad teeth or something. Then again maybe it’s because I tried to set it as my profile pic and it scrunched up funny and made me look all distorted and that’s unhappy making. (eta – I’ve decided I hate it and thus have taken it down and replaced it with a much better one.)Yesterday I resolved to do more nice things for myself. I have this weird habit of buying things for myself, like fancy body wash, or jewelry, or clothes that are nice and then not ever using/wearing them.  It’s like I think I need to save them for some special occasion which never arrives.  So I am resolving to use all the nice bath products, wear the lovely clothes etc. for no reason at all other than I like to look good and smell pretty. No point in having nice things if they just gather dust, yeah?

I have 4 eMusic downloads left for the month.  Everyone rec me a song you think I might like and might not have. Go!

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happiness is a warm fuzzy

Is there anything better than someone going to Starbucks and bringing you back something? Especially if it's a hot, tasty coffee drink when your office is cold, cold, cold?

I am sitting at my desk in a giant fuzzy scarf and cable-knit handwarmers. My toes are cold.

Etsy is freaking

crack.

There's so much stuff on there I could browse forever. I was talking to Jed about it last night and she said that problem with it is that you spend forever browsing it, and often in the time you spent browsing, you could have made yourself half the items you were eyeing! So true, but also filled with cool, cool handmade stuff I could never make. I have a growing favorites list over there. What I very most want is this necklace. How are people so clever and creative that they think of things like that? Totally beyond me. So who else is on Etsy? Let's all 'heart' each other over there!

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things to do when you’re dead in your office

I am currently the only person in my office. I have work I should be doing so I can be caught up next week. Instead I have spent most of the morning texting with cousin J. Even though he will be here in a few hours for the weekend. I am contemplating doing only the last few urgent things and then leaving to go do the last few T-day errands and then fucking off until I have to go to work tonight.

You know how people have had those "help me pay my debt" pages where they get a dollar from thousands of people and get out of debt? Do you think I could manage a "get me more tattooed" donation page? Yeah, it probably would have to be at least a little pornographic. DAMN IT. I guess I'll just have to get yet another additional job.

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