AJAX BELL

Author of the Queen City Boys books


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hives

The internet is fixed.  The sink is not. Work was insane tonight, I got out an hour later than anticipated. I feel like bashing my head into wall, I'm so amped up and completely stressed. Just too many things going on, but a calm night at work would have been welcome.  Instead it was just crazy making. So packed I couldn't even have a beer after to calm down. Augh.  Maybe I should go run around the block or something.

If I can get through May, everything will be awesome. Light at the end of the tunnel. Deep breaths.

Things that are good:

  • the girls in my household
  • planning my Seattle trip
  • my little sister coming to visit in July
  • spring weather finally consistently perfect
  • small presents from friends
  • tzatziki
  • amusing horoscopes

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building up to the bang at the end

I saw Iron Man last night with T-Rider.  When Tim asked this morning, is it was awesome?  I said, no, FUCKING AWESOME.  I am however very conflicted about. Mostly because I can't decide if I want and awesome reactor in my chest so I can be a superhero, or if I want to be Pepper Potts, as my ideal job has always been as an assistant some super rich, eccentric person who will appreciate my wide variety of skills. (Hmm, that sounds somehow dirty when I put it on paper, I mean it all quite honestly and cleanly, you perverts.) I can ignore the gross stereotypes of Middle Eastern Terrorists, as it's been a stock clichĂ© in movies for years now, and I don't see railing about it appearing in a delicious ice cream sundae of a movie, such as Iron Man, is going to change anything at all.  Also there were previews for the new Batman movie and the new Indiana Jones.  Hurrah!  Indeed the only thing possibly missing from summer movies this year is Matt Damon. And of course decent rolls for strong, leading female characters, but I don't feel like ranting about that today.  YAY SUPERHEROES!

I have about ten million things to think about right now, and one is moving this blog to a different host, as I need to test a few out and see how they stack up.  I'm thinking Typepad, as I've ruled out Blogspot and Livejournal.  But WordPress isn't out of the question.  Anyone else have any suggestions?

And saving the bombs for the end: I gave notice at my day job yesterday.  Yes, I recognize that this is risky move in the current economy.  However, it's sucking away all my creative energy and way more time than it should.  Also, while I don't want to publicly say anything too mean, or revealing, I don't expect the organization to continue to sustain itself for much longer, which would put me out of a job anyway. My last day here, I believe, will be May 27, then I am off to Seattle for a fews, and back to start my new life, however it will play out, in Nashville in June. I have a plan, which will surely be adjusted in the coming weeks, and hopefully keep me afloat and happier.

Hi, how are y'all?

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silly

I love making Holly laugh.  I don't know why it's so satisfying, but it really is.  During the current round of the huge storms here (a few minutes ago) we had the following exchange via text message:

Holly: it's like a rain of toads
Me: the apocalypse for sure
Holly: not to be confused with a reign of toads, because that's different
Me: different and less scary, because they are very benevolent rulers
Holly: I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe

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internet, babies, banks and lip balm

The internet has been out most of the morning at work.  This means less fucking off, but also less work, since a good portion of my job requires me to answer email or submit things online.  *sigh*

I went to buy a new hairbrush this morning and my card wouldn't work. Hmm, hmm, hmm.  So I called, as you do, and was informed that there was a hold on my account.  Until 2 pm today.  Why?  Because last night an electronic transaction for deposit and withdrawl went through at the same time. Um, what? a) I'm not sure how this is my problem, and b) if they've solved it, whatever the actual problem was, why shut down my account until 2 pm?  Does something magic happen at 2 pm. Was there a fear I'd withdraw all my funds, sticking the bank with $76 in uncleared checks, and run off to Mexico to never be seen again, and that risk is over at 2 pm?  And how is this my problem? I mean I honestly understand less and less of banking as it becomes more electronic and seemingly less based in reality.  Blah blah blah blah blah.

Burt's Bees now makes lip balm with pomegranate oil in it.  I am so excited.  However, it also has something else in it which smells sort of old lady like.  Camphor or something, I'm not sure exactly.  But the pomegranate will make me at least use for a week and see if I can get over the old lady aspect.

Am much better than yesterday.  Exercise, mental and otherwise, and meditation have driven back the beast.

This week is WAY too long, and alternately much too short, depending really on if I am in my office or anywhere else in the world.

I had a really, really weird dream last night in which I had sextuplets, 4 girls and 2 boys, in secret, like managed to hide the pregnancy from my friends in baggy sweatshirts, etc. (yeah right). And then the father raised them all as single parent, with help from me and other friends, but no one ever knew I was actually the mother. It was really weird, not just in content, but rather than being a stress dream as pregnancy dreams usually are, it was all kind of calming and relaxing and without angst despite the secret birthing and all.  I think this is a sign that my decision to remain childless is the right one.  They were really cute babies though (all six of them, ack!).

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I got 83 problems but a bitch ain’t one

(Stolen wholesale from Rhi, because I needed the lesson this morning)

From Buddhism: Plain and Simple by Steve Hagen:

There is an old story about a man who came to see the Buddha because he had heard that the Buddha was a great teacher. Like all of us, he had some problems in his life, and he thought the Buddha might be able to help him straighten them out.

He told the Buddha that he was a farmer. "I like farming," he said, "but sometimes it doesn't rain enough, and my crops fail. Last year we nearly starved. And sometimes it rains too much, so my yields aren't what I'd like them to be."

The Buddha listened patiently to the man.

"I'm married, too," said the man. "She's a good wife, but sometimes she nags me too much. And sometimes I get tired of her."

The Buddha listened quietly.

"I have kids," said the man. "Good kids, too, but sometimes they don't show me enough respect. And sometimes…."

The man went on like this, laying out all of his difficulties and worries. Finally he wound down and waited for the Buddha to say the words that would put everything right for him.

Instead, the Buddha said, "I can't help you."

"What do you mean?" said the astonished man.

"Everybody's got problems," said the Buddha. "In fact, we've all got eighty-three problems, each one of us. Eighty-three problems, and there's nothing you can do about it. If you work really hard on one of them, maybe you can fix it–but if you do, another one will pop right into its place. For example, you're going to lose your loved ones eventually. And you're going to die someday. Now there's a problem, and there's nothing you, or I, or anyone else can do about it."

The man became furious. "I thought you were a great teacher!" he shouted. "I thought you could help me! What good is your teaching then?"

The Buddha said, "Well, maybe it will help you with the eighty-fourth problem."

"The eighty-fourth problem?" said the man. "What's the eighty-fourth problem?"

Said the Buddha, "You want to not have any problems."

I need a little Buddha doll to carry with me, and when I press his belly he'll say, "take a deep breath and let it go.  Let. It. Go."  Because no matter how much I meditate on it, how much I work on it, I still find myself falling into looping traps where I will get stressed and then beat myself up for it and then stress about that until it starts to feel like an infinite loop.  The problems won't go away.  I can work on the necessary ones, but I need to let the rest go, I need to breathe and not let things I can't control make me lose site of the things that are important, the reminder that those are the good things.

Tried to brush my hair this morning with the hairbrush I broke yesterday and I sort of lost control of it an accidentally flung it into the toilet.  Which was really such a comedic moment that I'm almost sorry no one was there to see it.  The hairbrush flew in sort of slow motion as I grabbed after it trying to catch it before the clearly inevitable conclusion.  It is sort of sad that I don't have my own reality show, but then again probably most people don't find these things as funny as I do.

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breck girl

I woke up late and thought I heard the shower running, but it was the driving, heavy, beating rain.  Ugh. Rushed to work in the nearest clothes I could grab, unbrushed hair and no make up.   Fortunately a friend of a friend is training at a fancy salon and needed hair models this morning, so now I have fabulous hair if nothing else.  Unfortunately I just realized while taking pictures of said hair that I have black bra and white shirt on.  Did I mention I was rushed today?

Hmm, the pictures don't do it justice.  It's all flippy, cute, Lauren Graham hair.  YAY!

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you wish your life was this exotically exciting

I had an excellent weekend.  I actually got a fair amount done (not everything on the list, never everything on the list) and had tons of extra super awesome fun.  If half the weekends in my life were as good as the past one, I might be the happiest person alive.  Of course I'd also probably be unbearable to be around.

In O:BNM news, I gave myself a manicure last night, painted my nails a lovely brick red.  I have not painted them in, quite literally, years, as my nails are always either cut short as a practicality, or damaged from doing wire work.  I've forgotten how nice it is to type and look down and see such pretty nails.  It's fleeting, as it probably won't last more than a day, but it was worth it.

Also I weighed myself last night, for the first time in a very, very long time.  Discovered that I am only 5 pounds from my ideal weight.  How awesome is that?  However, weight loss should come with some sort of financial award, as how else can one afford to buy all new pants?  Today's slacks, not worn for a couple months, are just this side of unwearable, in terms of fit.

My ridiculously useless co-worker just came in, all full of anxiety, unsure of what to do, huge emergency!  The emergency?  Our boss is not in the office, and co-worker needed to ask him something!  What to do? I suggested using a new-fangled device called the telephone.  So far it seems to be working out for him. 

Kristen has finished her third toilet seat.  You better get your order in fast.  I'm telling you soon she's going to only be making them for celebrities and telling her story on Oprah.

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disgruntled toilet seats and boys

You wonder why I am so often disgruntled at my otherwise generally easy job?  Because daily I have to deal with many, teeny, tiny things that build up until I want to explode.  What kind of things? Well, here is an exact copied and pasted comment that my boss put in a document that an intern created: "please go through the document and replace 'fluorescent' with 'fluorescent' (is that how it's spelled?)"

How many hours of my life have I lost, I wonder, at this to staring at statements like that trying to make sense of them?  

In happier news, Kristen is making toilet seat art.  Seriously, how awesome is she?  I have the best friends ever.

Tomorrow, if I can screw up my courage, I am going to do something completely outside my comfort zone in interpersonal relationships.  It's trivial, little thing really, but I have been screwing up my courage all day.  I might puke instead of actually doing it.  Who knew it was so hard to talk to cute boys? UGH.

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cranktastic

How is it that I can go to Walgreens, or CVS or whatever, to get tampons or kleenex and a new toothbrush, and I come out $40 lighter?  I know it's my own insanity.  I'll be walking through thinking, "I've got great black mascara, and that brown is pretty good, but I hate the brush on the brown-black one."  And suddenly I'm spending 15 minutes in the make up aisle contemplating different brands of mascara before wandering off to find some shampoo that seemed promising from the commercial.  *sigh* Consumer hell.  I really need to go on a 60 day no buying anything but food cleansing.  Hmm, maybe starting in April.  As I was walking to and from Walgreens, I was cracking up over this.

I came home last night, exhausted, super cranky and starving only to discover that the internet and the cable were out and there was no food in the house. Ugh.  Fortunately Holly came home not long after and rescued me by going to get Mediterranean food and listen to me complain endlessly about Comcast.  (Love calling them because invariably it's, "yes, there have been outages reported in your neighborhood." Well fucking great, what are you doing about it?)

The only bright spot in my day is work tonight. I mean I don't even want to go, Painful Sets Tuesday, whooo, but hey, Kristen is probably working and that always the best part of my week. Well except for maybe when Jami comes by unexpectedly and entertains me when I'm doing something I'd rather be procrastinating on.  And new shoes would be awesome, but I don't have any money, so I'll have to settle for Kristen.  Not that it's settling, but, um, yeah, I'll just stop now.  Is it lunch time yet? Oh, it is? Woo!

I hate all my shirts today.  I think it might be time to rotate out whatever I deemed spring clothes last year and put in storage.  I don't even care about being cold any more, I just can't stand any of these sweaters and misshapen long sleeve tees.  I want cute shirts, damn it.  And sandals, but I can hold out another month or so for those.

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I’ve got the joy joy joy

Ideally, I would leave my house in the morning and drive straight to work, perhaps stopping at the Post Office, which is on the way, and arriving on time.  Turning around and back tracking not once, but twice is less than ideal.  As is being 30 minutes late.  I am perhaps starting to channel Bridget Jones a little too much lately.

Things that are of the good today:

  • My ass looks great in these pants
  • One, lovely, organic, Washington state Braeburn apple, sitting in front of me
  • My friends are awesome
  • There was visible, brilliant, new, chartreuse, baby foliage on the bushes in my yard
  • And this picture I took while on my way to work today:

YES.  This means spring has arrived.  Freezing, snow, other hideous coldness (like last night) are now welcome as they are simply fleeting bumps in the transition that is the joyousness of spring. JOY JOY JOY.

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blahblahblah-case-of-the-mondays-blah

My horribly loud neighbors who live in the back apartment got a drum set.  Because they weren't loud enough already.  I had to go over at 11pm and have the following exchange with them:

Me: *knocks*
Boy: *opens doors, smiles* Hey what's going on?
Girl: *comes up behind him holding drum sticks, smiles* Hey girl.
Me: *stares*
Boy: *looks pleasant but vacantly expectant*
Girl: *look of understanding slowly crosses her face* Oh, were we too loud?
Me: Yeah, the drums are going to have to be a day time thing.  It's not just the noise, but it's vibrating the floors all the way through the house.
Girl: Sorry.
Me: No trouble, thanks for keeping it down.

SERIOUSLY? Is there any, ANY, circumstance when I should have to tell someone who lives in an apartment that playing the drums at 11pm, particularly on a week night is unacceptable?

So they finally shut up and I go into my room only to discover that my beloved neighbor J has gone out and left her stereo on very loudly.  Or maybe not even that loudly, but her stereo is right on the other side of my bedroom wall and I can hear it clearly enough to distinguish the lyrics in every song.  Fortunately that can be cured with earplugs in a way drums vibrating the floor cannot.

Earplugs in I then proceeded to stay up WAY too late reading.  So I can't even really blame anyone else for my exhaustion and crankiness today. Boo.

I have a headache.  The wind is interfering with an otherwise perfectly lovely spring day. And it's irritating me by being loud and rattly around the office.  I have a shit-ton of work and I can't concentrate at all.

I didn't get hardly anything done this weekend, though I'm not complaining or beating myself up, as I generally rested and watched movies and screwed off in a way I haven't done in forever. However, after all that I feel like I should be in a decent mood, if not an excellent one, this morning.  Instead I feel like I climbing back into bed and crying. It's not even PMS or anything.  I just really really really do not want to be at work right now.

Hmmm, reading through my past few posts I'm seeing a trend.  If this keeps up I'll be in a perfectly cheerful mood tomorrow for no reason at all and then go right back to cranky again.

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hooray

Two very excellent things about today:

Daffodils budding in front of my office!! Sure it's going to freeze again.  But still SIGN OF IMPENDING SPRING. I could not be happier.

And inside my office on my desk:

Tiny, tiny strawberries!  Little itty, infant leaves just pushing out of the soil.  Wheee!  I can grow things!

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