Author of the Queen City Boys books

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I should have gone to bed 20 minutes ago.  I am unreasonably exhausted, cranky and at loose ends.  Instead I am awake, watching Onegin, a movie about which I know nothing, which is perhaps too boring for this hour in my life. All it has served to do so far is make me wish that I was lying on pillow in a row boat in a little lake on my own huge estate, reading a book on a perfect summer day.  So really it isn’t improving my mood at all.

I can’t decide if I should eat another cookie, eat the rest of the guacamole, or perhaps make some real food.  Or just have a glass of wine. I should be in bed, under the fluffy fall covers, reading and looking forward only to the impending morning sounds of migrating birds.

Amusingly the recent top searches that have brought people to this blog are:

  • my head hurts i’m weak
  • feel weak and head hurts
  • come out of the s&m closet
  • overwhelmed and unable to prioritize on
  • cops in dreams
  • what does whopperjaw mean
  • tom waits paper doll
  • the land of the sneezes
  • crackerjack kinda guy

Very funny.  I’m gonna go out on a limb and pathetically, whinily say there is no crackerjack kind of guy. If there was I’d surely have found him by now.

Hmmm.  Cookies? Wine? Get off my ass, put the computer down and go read in bed?  I should take my lavender kiwi scented candle with me.  It smells lovely.  Maybe it can cure my foul mood and give me dreams of lovelier things.

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want nanas

If I could be doing anything in the world right now, I’d make banana bread. But I don’t have any bananas.  Or, I think, flour, or most any of the ingredients.  Alas.

I had a fabulous weekend.  Amazing weekend.  Tonight though I feel a little temper-y and out of sorts.  Maybe I just don’t like the idea of the weekend being over.  Or maybe I just really want banana bread and I don’t have any. There’s nothing to do about it but pout pout pout.

Do you think I could train a monkey to do my laundry?  Where would I got a monkey?  Would the cost of feeding it be worth having to not do my own laundry?

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boohoo and linky linky

I'm not having a good day.  No, I don't want to talk about it.

Also I'm getting a fairly hideous headache.  And my boss is ten minutes late for our meeting. If he's not here in another five I am going home.

In lieu of my own content, links:

Maybe everything would be better if I had one of these:

humorous pictures
see more crazy cat pics

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it’s been a nice day

I had the kind of day where I just couldn't control my temper.  Ugh.  It's awful.  It's embarrassing.  Fortunately because of this, everyone at work is so terrified of me that no one will say anything to me.

I got some heinous but necessary errands done.  Then I came home and decorated my room a little and had dinner with Jami and Hols.  We made a fast, delicious dinner and sat on the porch and ate and talked and everything in the world is right again.

Now I am in my PJs at 8 pm, laying bed with ,my laptop waiting for T-Rider to call me.

Hopefully tomorrow will be good all day.  Hopefully it will be warm and beautiful again so I can enjoy it without being unreasonably angry at the world.

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I was born in the backseat of a Mustang

I have no reason to be in anything other than a good mood today and yet ridiculousness at work seems to be getting the best of me.  I just spent ten minutes on the porch trying to talk myself into a positive mental attitude.

It’s lovely outside, not quite blue-skied, but warm and lovely and scented of spring and joy.  I am dressed for it: black a-line skirt, bright green top, white cardigan, black satin ballet flats printed all over with cherries.

Right now T-Rider is driving through the Arizona desert, which I suspect is kind of boring for him and certainly not one of my favorite things to do, but man, I wish I was there.  I am instead making a list of insanely urgent work things that I can’t solve myself and can’t seem to pin anyone else down to approve.  The huge desert sky, the possibilty of stopping for excellent food and riding along with my feet propped up in the corner of the open window seems exceptionally perfect right now.  But perhaps that’s an “anywhere but here” feeling.

HA!  In further proof the universe does not want me to be in a bad mood, our accounting person just called me to tell me that they were retroactively extending my raised back to Mar 24, instead of Apr 1.  Apparently this makes accounting easier, but more importantly, pays me more for a whole extra week.  Woo!

Birthday is now 22 days away.  That’s three weeks, people.  Hope you’ve all been pooling your cash to buy me that one-way ticket to Barcelona.  And perhaps set me up with someone to marry there, so I can stay.  *sigh*  Yeah, that would better than work today.

Okay. I should be working.  Solving problems.  Reducing my own panic about what isn’t going to get done.

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Got soaked walking across the street to my car.  Drove home in such heavy rain that the windshield wipers were useless. Hey, rain gods, I want an end to the drought too, but 2" of rain a day seems a little excessive.

Now I am home, bundled in blankets, watching a Viggo Mortensen movie, drinking hot chocolate and feeling fragile and pathetic.  Hey, PMS, I see you in there.  You know, I'm fine with bleeding every month.  Whatevs, cycle of life and all that, but the inability to control my mood really sucks.  Can we just have end to that?

The laptop is keeping my lap warm.  I tried using a bunny to that end for a bit, but it was too wiggly. 

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warning: mood swings every 30 seconds

The real important question to cast out into the universe this morning is, why was Joe Namath in my dreams last night?

And also, I hate our graphic designer at work so much.  I regularly send him the text that needs to be whatever promotional piece.  He repeatedly sends me back designs with key phrases missing because they didn't fit the design he made.  Well buddy, if it's an order form, you can't just leave out all references to it being an order form because it doesn't aesthetically please you.  Yeah, you have to keep the words I send you IN it, and make your ugly designs work.  If I was the boss this guy would have been so fired, so long ago.  Alas, he's like my boss's college roommate or something, so we continue to pay him exorbitant amounts of money to do sub-par work and do it very slowly.

Yes, I am somewhat cranky today.  Sure it is possibly hormonal, but I prefer to blame dreams about Joe Namath (ew, no, not those kinds of dreams).

In much better news, almost all the trees are now dressed in some lacy, new, pale green foliage.  Almost every remaining vestige of winter if falling under the dreamy, lush Tennessee green.  Green green green green.

Hey!  I just found $6 while cleaning out my purse.  Now going to go walk in the sun for a bit and maybe spend my $6 on something.  Like, um, hmm, something!

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internet, babies, banks and lip balm

The internet has been out most of the morning at work.  This means less fucking off, but also less work, since a good portion of my job requires me to answer email or submit things online.  *sigh*

I went to buy a new hairbrush this morning and my card wouldn't work. Hmm, hmm, hmm.  So I called, as you do, and was informed that there was a hold on my account.  Until 2 pm today.  Why?  Because last night an electronic transaction for deposit and withdrawl went through at the same time. Um, what? a) I'm not sure how this is my problem, and b) if they've solved it, whatever the actual problem was, why shut down my account until 2 pm?  Does something magic happen at 2 pm. Was there a fear I'd withdraw all my funds, sticking the bank with $76 in uncleared checks, and run off to Mexico to never be seen again, and that risk is over at 2 pm?  And how is this my problem? I mean I honestly understand less and less of banking as it becomes more electronic and seemingly less based in reality.  Blah blah blah blah blah.

Burt's Bees now makes lip balm with pomegranate oil in it.  I am so excited.  However, it also has something else in it which smells sort of old lady like.  Camphor or something, I'm not sure exactly.  But the pomegranate will make me at least use for a week and see if I can get over the old lady aspect.

Am much better than yesterday.  Exercise, mental and otherwise, and meditation have driven back the beast.

This week is WAY too long, and alternately much too short, depending really on if I am in my office or anywhere else in the world.

I had a really, really weird dream last night in which I had sextuplets, 4 girls and 2 boys, in secret, like managed to hide the pregnancy from my friends in baggy sweatshirts, etc. (yeah right). And then the father raised them all as single parent, with help from me and other friends, but no one ever knew I was actually the mother. It was really weird, not just in content, but rather than being a stress dream as pregnancy dreams usually are, it was all kind of calming and relaxing and without angst despite the secret birthing and all.  I think this is a sign that my decision to remain childless is the right one.  They were really cute babies though (all six of them, ack!).

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even more whining, just when you thought it was over

Can't get rid of my headache.  Am now thinking of removing my head. Had movie "date" that fell through, which is probably for the best. Have sacked my to-do list for the evening and am going to fuck off for the rest of the evening even if I feel guilty about it tomorrow.  Honestly, it's like after a weekend of fucking off my brain has just shut down. 

The lightning outside seems to be coming for me.  It's like it's moving right toward me.  Ooh, there's the thunder.  Maybe I should go stand outside.

Seriously though, I am sort of beating myself up for fucking off, but it's actually part of O:BNM.  I'm not really fucking off.  I'm taking time to relax and try and deal with where I am at and everything from the past couple months. It's true.  If only I could just convince myself.

Oooooh, lightning is making the sky purple.  Must go look. Then maybe I will read a book or something so I can say tomorrow that I did something besides watch re-runs on TV.

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My horribly loud neighbors who live in the back apartment got a drum set.  Because they weren't loud enough already.  I had to go over at 11pm and have the following exchange with them:

Me: *knocks*
Boy: *opens doors, smiles* Hey what's going on?
Girl: *comes up behind him holding drum sticks, smiles* Hey girl.
Me: *stares*
Boy: *looks pleasant but vacantly expectant*
Girl: *look of understanding slowly crosses her face* Oh, were we too loud?
Me: Yeah, the drums are going to have to be a day time thing.  It's not just the noise, but it's vibrating the floors all the way through the house.
Girl: Sorry.
Me: No trouble, thanks for keeping it down.

SERIOUSLY? Is there any, ANY, circumstance when I should have to tell someone who lives in an apartment that playing the drums at 11pm, particularly on a week night is unacceptable?

So they finally shut up and I go into my room only to discover that my beloved neighbor J has gone out and left her stereo on very loudly.  Or maybe not even that loudly, but her stereo is right on the other side of my bedroom wall and I can hear it clearly enough to distinguish the lyrics in every song.  Fortunately that can be cured with earplugs in a way drums vibrating the floor cannot.

Earplugs in I then proceeded to stay up WAY too late reading.  So I can't even really blame anyone else for my exhaustion and crankiness today. Boo.

I have a headache.  The wind is interfering with an otherwise perfectly lovely spring day. And it's irritating me by being loud and rattly around the office.  I have a shit-ton of work and I can't concentrate at all.

I didn't get hardly anything done this weekend, though I'm not complaining or beating myself up, as I generally rested and watched movies and screwed off in a way I haven't done in forever. However, after all that I feel like I should be in a decent mood, if not an excellent one, this morning.  Instead I feel like I climbing back into bed and crying. It's not even PMS or anything.  I just really really really do not want to be at work right now.

Hmmm, reading through my past few posts I'm seeing a trend.  If this keeps up I'll be in a perfectly cheerful mood tomorrow for no reason at all and then go right back to cranky again.

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crankypants are itchy

I am irritable today.  I blame the rain.  Though it's supposed to be nice this weekend, so I'm trying to remain positive.

One of my interns is endlessly chattering at me, about her bank balance, her date last night (worthwhile, they did spend most of the night in the emergency room after he choked on his first bite of dinner), her Yankees tickets, her hair, things she seems to be reading off the internet.  None of which is work related, all of which indicates that she is not working while she's here.  And hey, I'm the queen of fucking off at work (I'm doing it right now!) but I don't go endlessly, stream of consciousness, chatting about it to everyone in earshot.  Also when she does it it encourages Annoying Coworker, and he comes wandering in and starts hemming and hawwing and fidgeting and stuttering out his own boring insipidness.

Man, some times I'm just an awful person.  I should delete that last paragraph.

I look cute today though.  My new, single digit sized jeans (which are actually perhaps a little loose), caramel colored cowboy boots, tan sweater, dark burgundy levi's jacket, hair in braids, giant earrings.

I was going to write a long missive on weight loss and how now that I've inadvertantly lost a bit I'm more inspired to try harder to exercise, etc.  However, I won't bore you, and will instead go try and get all my work done so I can hopefully upgrade my computer before I go home.

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