AJAX BELL

Author of the Queen City Boys books

Tag Archives: ain’t nothin’ much


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speak less, do less

Sometimes I feel like I just temporarily lose my words. I can’t write, can’t blog, can’t evenr eally talk to people about anything important. I try, but it feels forced and bizarre to me. I doubt other people notice, other than I seem quieter than usual. I’m not sure it’s part of my hormonal cycle, or if I’ve been too social, spoken too much and I need to gather everything up before I start again.

Mercury is in Retrograde which seems to be manifesting for me by defeating my projects in tiny ways. Int he last few days I’ve unable to find the thread and other pieces I need to finish projects, I’ve broken needles, discovered I have no replacements. I had my work schedule ramped back up. I feel like I am losing time. Fall is rushing in too quickly and I can’t get everything I want done.

Song for the day: The V-Roys – No Regrets (click to download)


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reptillian rapscallion

Dear little lizard,

I am sure you were as surprised to be found as I was to find you. Thank you for keeping my bathroom bug free for however long you’ve been in there. Trust me though, we are both happier with you now living out in the garden. Sorry about your tail. You’ll be fine though.

Love,

me

AUGH! Live lizards in the bathroom. Seriously I am not as bad a housekeeper as that makes it sound. And his poor little tail kept wriggling after it fell off. If I lived in Spain, or Mexico or some place more tropical I’d be down with keeping lizards in the house, but maybe not in Tennessee. Bleh.


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swing time

The song for today is “Kiss Me” by the Joiners (you can dl the whole album for free on their site).

The last couple days put me entirely into the fall mindset, however the weather still says late summer. I feel alternately unhinged and out of sorts, and even, normal and steady. It’s like swinging on an insanity pendulum. I do keep having these flashes, quick moments, when I can see my life from outside and it is the life I want. I mean having enough money to do more than just pay bills would be great. But overall it is clearly moving in the direction I want it too. I feel good about it. And wildly anxious. It’s uneven ’round here right now.

It is 222 days until my birthday.  Last night I dreamt I was with some people who were celebrating the day of my conception.  I think that was in Late August though.  Huh.

Is there some sort imaginary universe I can move to where I get paid to procrastinate? Because I’d be GREAT at that.


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180 degrees

I meant to post last night that I felt smart, beautiful, safe and able to do anything.  I just wanted to post to remember the moment of that feeling, even if it was fleeting.  Which it was.  This morning I feel anxiety-stricken and utterly unable to prioritize the billion things I think I need to be doing.


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pretty grey day

It’s nearly noon and already I want a nap.  I think I got a lot of sleep last night.  I don’t know.  I’m sure I went to be early but I am not clear on how early.  I only managed to read 5 pages of my book before I dropped it on my face, hurt my nose and decided t go to sleep.  I have been pretty productive today.  Maybe.  I mean if I look at my to-do list for the week, I’ve barely made a dent in it.  But I did a bunch of things that weren’t on the list.  Which I guess I should add to the list, so I can cross them off.

I was actually cold out when I got up this this morning. And by cold I mean, if I was back home, I’d still wear shorts, and maybe a hoodie, but here I’m all ack! Jeans!  Sweater!  Yikes!  It really is impending autumn outside, however.  I think I am happy about that.  I haven’t actually decided yet.


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the answer is no

Okay, enough with the awful dreams! Last night again being held hostage. This time by an old boyfriend. Ladybug was there too and we managed to escape when he went out to run an errand. Most of the dream was running down the street terrified, hoping we wouldn’t see him walking up the other way. We managed to make it to the subway station, and he was there. I was wearing a blue raincoat, with the hood up and I ducked my head when we passed him. Ladybug commented that it was amazing how much covering up my tattoos made me invisible. Finally we got to the opposite platform as him just as our train came so he couldn’t follow us though he did see us once we were over there. I am going to hope this was Jungian garbage dumping dream, sending out all the last vestiges of that relationship, because I am so over it (both the relationship and the bad dreams). I assume to hostage stuff was just carry over from the night before. Yuck yuck yuck.

I’ve been sleeping more lately. This, I guess, is good. Though I berate myself for getting up at 9 or 9:30 instead of 7:30 or 8. But really it’s okay. I mean I get home from work usually around 12:30 (or later) I need an hour or so to decompress before bed. Yes, yes, I will keep telling myself that it’s okay to sleep.

Nerdly: www.hasthelhcdestroyedtheearth.com

You need to view and read the source code on this one. And then click through to 3e.org to see the guy who made the page. I don’t why this all amuses me so much but it really really really does.


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there is stupid in the air today and it’s only affecting the Y chromosome

I don’t know how she does it, but my mom always manages to find the most whack stuff on the internet.

I should be in bed, but before I go I was just reminded that boys are dumb, lead by their dicks and, let me reiterate, dumb. Sharp like a sack of wet mice.  Box o’ rocks dumb. Bag of hammers.


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what if I just stayed asleep for the rest of the week?

Today got off to a rocking start. I had a long, detailed dream that I was held hostage for many days. I managed to escape my captors long enough to call 911 several times but the cops never came. Eventually I was rescued, but still I woke up sobbing. Yes, indeed, my brain, as I’ve said before, is not always subtle. Bleh.

Shook it off, got overwhelmed by everything I need to do today, started reading political blogs (bad me! bad bad bad!) Went to coffee with Miss Sparkle. Then I sat down to make a plan and here I am telling you about how I am not doing as much work as I could be.  Really, I am only telling you all in an effort to shame myself into working.

Living room: still filled with boxes. It’s like my brain shuts down every time I think I am going to go through them.

Jewelry/crafts: need to finish projects, get stuff online and get stuff ready for sale. Need to clean up craft area so can begin sewing. Status: just fucking shoot me. I swear I’ll get on this tomorrow. In the meantime, examples of some of the news stuff is slowly going up over here. I still can’t figure out how to photograph stuff so it looks as good online as it does in real life.

Websites/media empire development: AAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!!! Need to list an prioritize stuff. Really, really, really need to prioritize. Am getting freakily overwhelmed.

Personal life: non-existent, unless you count watching Gossip Girl with Ladybug.


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crafty sewing fool

I do not have even half the time I need to do everything I want to do.  And yet here I am buying sewing patterns.  Because I am going to sew when?  Maybe I can get a monkey and teach it to do some of my stuff so I don’t have too?  A good, flattering skirt pattern that will work in multiple fabric weights will be endlessly useful in our house and, because I’ve been thinking about it for far too long, I am determined to make the Butterick 4790.  Also contemplating buying a crinoline to wear under all my full skirted dresses.  Is that ridiculous?


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Rain rain rain hooray!! Delightful, wonderful rain! I believe this is the first rain we’ve had this August. So we definitely need it.

My weekend went like this: Sleep, coffee shop, pedicure, sushi lunch, work, Scrubs, sleep, coffee shop, Target, Costco, Scrubs, pizza, sleep. Given my current mental state, this was near perfection, I tell you. Now I’ve been up, listened to the rain, imagined a more wonderful word, done yoga and presently I have coffee and a spicy Jamaican beef pattie. I swear I love nothing more than meat cooked in pastry in the morning. I think the Brazilians do it best, but Jamaica and Europe aren’t far behind.


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detective bread

I had a dream that I got the most amazing, beautiful house in East Tennessee.  It was on the edge of a town, but had this insane, unbelievable view and was funky and perfect inside.  Then I went jogging along the train tracks, the the nearby lake, where I found a sort of cafe that had dozens of flavors of ice cream, tons of fancy cakes and pastries.  I got stuck there for a long time, looking at all the stuff they had.  Then I couldn’t get service for a long time.  Eventually I ordered something called “Cathar bread”  which was a big awesome loaf of very European bread drenched in garlic butter.  Huh.

Looking at the line-up I was unable to identify the guy who held the gun when they robbed me.  The Detective said he was going to question him anyway because of the print match on my car. The Det. is concerned because they only got good prints off the outside of car and defense attorney could argue that the suspect could have been in the neighborhood and accidentally touched the car.  Which, hello, the prints clearly show that the handle was being pulled open, but I don’t think anyone photographed them when they were visible.  The high point though was the detective assigned ot my case.  He looks like Gary Oldman in Batman if he was dressed by costume designer doing a modern day remake of a 70s cop drama (still set in the 70s). Like he didn’t look dated, or like he hadn’t changed his clothes in 40 years, but he totally looked he was in a 70s cop drama.  I loved him.  He told me he had ways of making the suspect talk and his partner balked, but the Det. Clarified that he didn’t mean torture, rather “Jedi mind tricks.”  Anyway the cop was awesome.  I want to write stories about him, except he seems to maybe be living stories that people have already written.

I need to go get in the shower.  I need to be working.  I need to be less hard on myself.  I need more sleep.  I need a vacation to the land of no people.  I need. I need. I need. I need.


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what have I ever done to you?

I’m having a shitty week. I got robbed at gunpoint when I was leaving work tonight. They pulled me out of my car and took my purse, including my phone. Brilliant. Thanks, universe. Clearly I’ve been a very bad girl because I must be being punished for something. Anyway, I lost all my phone numbers, so if you think I should have yours, please email me. Things I have to look forward to: waiting at the DMV to replace my license and calling to replace my phone. As it is I’ve been on hold for an hour trying cancel my cards. Arg. On the plus side the cops got really good prints off my car and one would assume these guys have been arrested before, what with the having a gun and all. I’m not hurt. So far I’m just really pissed off and annoyed.


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arg, all the way around

I don’t know where the Jezebel girls are finding them but Holy Homoeroticism, Batman.

Burger King commercials make want to be sure to never, ever, ever, ever want to go there.  Not that I do anyway, but goddamn they are the worst commercials ever.

Ankles are incredibly mosquito bitten, but bamboo blinds are hung on the porch.  They still need to be firmly affixed to the railing.  And we’ll see how they hold up in the first big storm.  But hey, for now, some semblance of of privacy.

Why is Dr. J in Dr. Pepper commercials? Did he spend all his money on the ladies?

Taurus, for today:

We are more aware of the fine line between spiritual truth and delusion as the Sun approaches an opposition with surreal Neptune early tomorrow. Relationships can become confusing as fantasy gets mixed up with reality. Meanwhile, the Sun’s annoying quincunx with erratic Uranus tempts us to overreact to the restraining Capricorn Moon. The Moon’s entry into progressive Aquarius at 6:55 pm EDT enables us to interact without being overly emotional.

Is it wrong that the word “quincunx” makes me laugh?  I guess I should laugh at it, as the universe seems to be laughing at me this week.


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It’s the little things that count

Songs for today:

Cry – The V-Roys (click to download)

I’m Yours if You Want Me – Chris Thile (click to download)

I’m miserable today. No, I don’t want to talk about it. And it’s isn’t just me, a bunch of my friends have been sick or injured lately, a couple lost their jobs. Gas prices. The economy is grim. Blah blah blah blah.

So instead of me continuously dwelling on all that and my own current personal problems, let’s look at the good. (I am not Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm, butgodfuckingdamnit, I am going to look at the bright side if it kills me).

  • The weather in middle Tennessee is GORGEOUS right now. Perfect. Delicious for walking and running in. Beautiful for sitting in. This is the gift we get for the tortuous heat and the ugly winters. It is worth it.
  • We are getting a hammock. Porch sitting in a hammock. Does it get better than that?
  • I’m pushing forward, albeit somewhat slowly, but forward nonetheless, on the new websites. Fear me and the HCT/SROTS girls. We will be media moguls soon. Ruling the world here we come!
  • The art jewelry I’m making is getting closer and closer to perfect. It looks in real life like it does in my head! Hurrah. Working on getting much more made so I can be a rich fashion entreprenuer as well as media mogul.
  • I have dozens of episodes of Scrubs on the DVR to watch instead of feeling sorry for myself so that’s awesome.
  • Miss Sparkle and Ladybug are the best friends ever.  They bring me foodstuffs and ice creams and listen to me whine.  That’s what real love is, people.
  • I have the best momma ever.  And the best sister.  And my extended family is pretty freaking cool too.
  • My toenails are painted a pretty bizarre green color not found in nature.


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Where is my personal nutritionist?

I haven’t had lunch.  Things that I have in my fridge that I could be eating include:

  • pita with hummus, tzatziki or olive tapenade
  • summer sausage
  • left over saffron rice
  • left over tabouleh and kebobs
  • boiled eggs
  • at least 7 kinds of cheese
  • spinach & other salad makings
  • angel food cake and fresh blackberries

This doesn’t include dry goods and frozen things.  I have plenty of healthy things to eat.  And yet I might just have candy for lunch.  Because when left to my own devices I make bad choices. Ugh.


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office supplies and candy

I’m not sure how I feel about the advent of 3 Muskateers Mint.  I can’t stop eating them.  Sure I can blame PMS.  But this is even worse than Junior Mints. Or Peppermint Nougats.  I am telling you this is candy crack.  I have been through one bag this week (although in my defense, Ladybug helped), and have just purchased another one.

Besides candy I also have shiny new office supplies.  HURRAH!  Packing tape!  Mailing envelopes!  Thumb tacks!  And a weekly planner.  Do I need a weekly planner?  Probably not.  I mean I have a fancy computer that can do lots of planning things.  I just like the idea of writing things down in a book.  The real question is, will I keep up with it or not?  That remains to be seen.

Does anyone know what nail scissors are for?  I’m pretty sure it’s for cutting split ends out of your hair.  Because I couldn’t figure out how you’d use them on your nails.  I’ll stick with the nail clippers, thanks.  Plus they don’t make split end scissors and I need specialized tools for everything.

Should I fill out the ‘personal information’ page of my new planner?  Or just leave it alone?  Hmm, it’s so tempting, but is it necessary?  Is it just that new school supplies feeling that is making me want to fill it out?

What book should I read next?  Lesbian cop murder mystery?  Cyborg immortals trying to stop the end times coming?  Rogue samurai who fights to become clan leader and must go to war against his own son?  Such a hard decision.