Author of the Queen City Boys books

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the sky is on fire

Yesterday’s storm seemed filled with crazy horizontal lightning. We were watching it out the restaurant windows and commenting how odd it looked. There’s pictures here and here. Crazy, crazy lightning.

I had lunch today with pretty baby Queen Mab (who is getting so big, three months old!!) and her gorgeous grandmother today. Such a lovely time. I need to remember to make time for such good company more often. And to see little Queen Mab more often, she’s getting big so fast and she’s so pretty and even tempered. Baby cuddling is by far better than therapy. I should have brought my camera. Next time.

I am working very, very hard to give myself the month of June off. Of course I still have to work at the restaurant, still have to go to the dentist, still have fret over MPMD moving away at the end of the month, but I am trying not to worry about HCT or any of my other projects. Just to breathe and relax and figure out the other things I need/want to do. Not that it matters. I’m still stressing over not getting enough done, and now additionally angry with myself for stressing when I’m not supposed to be. I might do better if I just stopped opening my inbox. The 122 unread/un-dealt with emails are getting to be a little intimidating. I swear, I’m only telling you about it so I can let it go. *deep breaths*

Another small trip to the dentist today. They really are nice, but I can’t seem to leave there without a headache. I except it’s psychosomatic. I am going to go lie down. Somebody send handsome young men to put a cool cloth on my forehead and bring me a cheese burger and deep fried pickles when I get hungry.

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morning suffering

Yesterday’s dental adventure was relatively painless, I guess.  I mean being at the dentist wasn’t as bad as I psyched myself up for.  Recovering from the lidocaine was miserable and I still have some swelling on the side of my face today.  I am starving and would like to eat something substantial.  And perversely, something hard and crunchy, but I think it’s definitely still soft foods for another day.  On the upside I only have (hopefully, oh please, universe) two more major appointments, then I get the bridge and go back to feeling somewhat normal about my teeth.  The partial (removable) tooth they made me is lovely in that it looks like a tooth and I can go back to talking mostly normally (it really isn’t just the vanity of it all but it’s really hard to talk without a lower front tooth), but I cannot get used to eating with it, which is sad because (of the vanity) I’d really like to not take it out except at home.  Again, mere weeks/months and it’ll be pretty much over.  I have to keep reminding myself that this is just a blip in the grander scheme of my life.

I was awake about 2 hours earlier than I’d hoped.  Again I just couldn’t sleep last night.  And then early this morning I dreamt that Boss Daddy was opening two more restaurants and didn’t tell me until they were just about to open.  And then I was working at one of the new restaurants and my grandfather came in and told me how much he missed me. My grandfather has been dead for about 15 years and still I woke up crying.  Some people you just never stop missing.

It looks like it might be shaping up to be a very thunderstormy kind of day.  Hopefully it will break the swampy oppressive heat of the last couple days.  I really don’t mind the heat, but I don’t like feeling like it is a wall I have to walk through when I step outside.

Alright, time for a soft breakfast, a shower and to set out and make something good happen today.


come again some other day

Week beginning May 7
Copyright 2009 by Rob Brezsny

TAURUS (April 20-May 20):  In recent decades, many British people with unfortunate surnames have changed them. There are now 40 percent fewer Shufflebottoms, while the numbers of Cockshotts and Smellies have also declined precipitously. Meanwhile, back in the U.S., the government has re-branded its notorious Global War on Terror, shifting to the more palatable “Overseas Contingency Operation.” I hold these examples up for your inspiration, Taurus. It’s a good time to alter any name or title you’ve outgrown, as well as any label that no longer fits or any category you’d like to leave behind.

Truly I take my Free Will Astrology way too seriously, but I think this one will require a lot of meditation this week.

Birthday aside, I’ve had an emotionally rough time the past week or so. It isn’t quite past but I’m fine, really, I just need time to adjust yet another change in my worldview.  On the other hand, Libelle really is the best friend ever.  She deserves some sort of award for sitting up with me late at night and making me laugh and laugh when I would otherwise just be sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

The rain isn’t helping.  We’ve broken rainfall records around the area in the past few days, but it’s more than that.  It’s the unrelenting grey.  I’m sure you think I should be able to to take 6+ days of grey, since I am from the PNW, but I’ve lost that skill.  I’m not sure I can remember more than 3 or 4 days in row like this since I moved to TN.  Plus it isn’t just grey, it’s really, seriously raining. And since everyone knows I am from Seattle people keeping saying to me, “hey, this is just like Seattle weather, huh?”  And no, no, no, no it isn’t.  It is grey there.  And wet.  But it just doesn’t rain so consistently hard there.  The temps are different, the air is different.  The sky is different.  There is no marine layer here.  It, in fact, isn’t like Seattle weather at all.  Seattle makes me feel mossy and chilly.  This weather makes me feel like a tropical amphibian. A cranky, lethargic tropical amphibian.

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total weirdness

Last night I dreamt that a rabbit got into the house.  It ran in a circle through all the rooms and when we got up to chase it, it went right to the door and out.  But I didn’t close the door tight enough and another rabbit ran in, ran roughly the same circle and out again. The next time opened the door there was a third.  The next day we heard scuffling outside and when we went to investigate we discovered that the rabbits had dragged a dead body on to the porch and an injured dog.  Both were laying on a blue tarp that had tears all around the edges from where the rabbits had gripped it in their teeth.  The dog was alive but really badly hurt.  We called the police about the body and got the dog to the vet.  The entire time, the three little rabbits who had run individually into the house sat huddled on a far corner of the porch watching us.

It’s been storming for days here.  I heard 4 to 7 more inches of rain today.  I think perhaps the grass grows directly proportional to the amount of rain.  If we get 7 inches, I won’t be able to walk through the yard tomorrow.

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positive electrical charge

Wow the storms last night were crazy.  It seemed like the thunder was right over my house for hours. It affected my dreams for sure.  Now we are on to noontime storms.  It’s nearly black outside and it feels like everything is underwater: slow, shifting strangely and slightly unreal.  I have been carefully focusing all morning on the the rush of water washing all the negativity of the past away.  On water that makes things grow, that makes me stronger, that brings change and cleanses.  I would, I suspect, be a much diffrent person if I could meditate like this every morning.  And I guess there’s no reason I can’t, though I know myself well enough to know that I won’t.  But today it was good.

The thunder is still rumbling, moving closer again.  I have eaten a healthy lunch.  I have made a simple, reasonable to-do list for the day.  I have A History of Violence on in the background (yes, much like A Walk on the Moon, this is a good movie, but probably most re-watched for the insanely hot Viggo sex scenes). Today will be a good day.  As will tomorrow.  And all the rest of the days.  Even the ones I forget to look for the goodness in.  I will keep in my heart the best parts of the best days and try to remember to that every day has the possibility of those  wonderful moments.


grumpy yellow dress dream

I had a very long detailed dream about high school last night.  I dreamt I went back to visit with another former classmate (who also lives in TN and doesn’t actually exist in real life), and everyone who had attended the school while I was there was also visiting.  I saw all my classmates and old teachers (they looked very old in my dream, but were all teaching the same classes).  Then we went to watch the school production of West Side Story and I talked to all the new students about how they liked it.  It was very intense on details, like the conversations with old classmates and teachers were very spot on and filled with details of those teachers that I haven’t thought about in years.  It’s hard to believe that high school was fully half my life ago.

And upon waking I realized that my birthday is two weeks away.  I haven’t done my usual 30 (or 60) day countdown to the event this year.  Truthfully, I just feel kind of meh about it.   I have low expectations, so it’s not like I’ll be disappointed or anything.  It’s more about just being older.  Not that I am old by any stretch, rather this birthday seems like a marker and by my own measure I haven’t yet achieved what I feel I should have by this marker.  It’s just kind of depressing.  Blah.

I assume I am somehow projecting this blahness I feel because recently a couple friends have asked if I’m okay in way that seems to indicate they have reason to be concerned.  I was pretty sure that to all outside appearences I am as I always am (sort of an amalgam of cheerful, chipper, pissed off, tired, friendly and ice princessy–yes, I am a contradiction), but maybe not?  Maybe everyone is very concerned about me for reasons I don’t even know?  Maybe I need more coffee before I try and think/explain things like this?

In conclusion, I think posting a link the other day wasn’t enough, so just in case you missed it (or didn’t), here is the lovely toddler fairy dress again:

0091Is it wrong that I wish I could wear little yellow sundresses with fairies on them?  I mean, I could, I guess, I’d just look very eccentric.  Now I will get on with my day thnking about daffodil dresses, fairies and sunshine, even if there is no sun shining in Nashville today (damn it all too, blue skies would go a long way to cheering me up).


dark and stormy mood

I am agitated and utterly out of sorts today.  I have the peculiar underlying anxiety that I think maybe always comes up when storms are rolling in  (need more data to make sure this is fact).  My routine was severely disrupted this morning.  And while I can do fine with some routine upset, it really threw me off today.  Also I had long elaborate dreams about the apocalypse last night  That always puts me off my feed as well.  To so sum up: lost routine, storms a’comin’, bad bad dreams.  Okay, well now that I’ve written that down, it’s no wonder I’m barely functional today.  The question is, how do I set myself right?

My options are:

  • get out work to-do list and panic over it until I cry
  • paint my toenails and watch a movie
  • get back in PJs, back in bed and read until it’s time to get ready for work
  • pick around and find an unfinished craft project and finish it for the satisfaction of it
  • sit and stare

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just chillin’

Among the myriad of other things I have to do today, I was going to pull out the lighter spring bedding and pack away the heavier winter stuff. Of course the weather isn’t having this.  It’s supposed to be just at or right below freezing tonight and tomorrow night.  Even as I type this the temps have dropped so much from yesterday that my hands are slightly stiff with the chill.

I was going to pack away sweaters and pull out cute skirts and blouses too.  I might still do that as I always have hoodies to wear and I am seriously so sick of my winter clothes.  Yes, I have to take stuff to charity today anyway, I guess I should sort out the sweaters while I still remember which ones I never wore.

This weekend we spring cleaned.  It is so clean in my house!!  Of course you can’t really tell as the clutter still lives and much of the cleaning was under and behind things.  But I know it’s clean!  Hurrah!  Clean!  Also Libelle purchased a $10 painting for the that one weird wall that runs betwen the kitchen and the dining room.  It’s is hideous.  Hilariously so.  And really, it looks better than that wall did before.  Maybe even the painting isn’t so bad, though the colors are a little garish (I admit I helped pick so part of that might be my fault) and the frame is awful but the overall effect of all of it is quite cheerful.  I guess I should just post pictures, huh?

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oh how I want you green

I am all errands and work and cleaning today.  And yet, even just drving around is incredibly wonderful.  Because it is spring.  Really really spring.  I can’t really express properly how much I love spring.  It is like a full-body, physical experience for me.

There is the wonder of the cherry blossom snow falling on yards and blowing past windows.  The redbuds that speckle the newly greening landscape with insane, gorgeous purple.  But most of all, here in Tennessee, it is the return of the trees.  A couple days rain and suddenly the hills are chartreuse and full of a fluttery new green. The wrinkly, tissue bursts of new leaves give such a rush of pleasure that it’s nearly sexual. Green green green green.  Delicious.

Now I will go sit in the sun and eat chicken salad and love love love on the spring for a second before I get back to work.

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I know that between today’s high and tomorrow’s low the temp will drop by nearly 50°F.  I know that spring is here, and yet still fluttery and new and not ready to keep me warm.  I know that tornado season is dawning.  And yet walking outside at 7:20 this morning to a pleasently damp 62°F? Felt like I’d won the lottery.

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it’s sprung

I just saw my first Summer Tanager of the season.  Spring spring spring spring spring spring. There is also a clutch of brave daffodils in my side yard and buds on the dogwood.  Yet I think, for some reason, that birds know some secret of the impending season that flowers don’t.

In honor of that, I give you a poem:

Her Anxiety

Earth in beauty dressed
Awaits returning spring.
All true love must die,
Alter at the best
Into some lesser thing.
Prove that I lie.

Such body lovers have,
Such exacting breath,
That they touch or sigh.
Every touch they give,
Love is nearer death.
Prove that I lie.

–William Butler Yeats

Also in honor of spring, new header pic yanked off Flickr, pic by lumierefl.

Also how charming is this little guy?

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pieces of the already fractured day

I can’t believe it snowed again in Seattle.  I mean Feb/March snow isn’t that unusual but combined with the horrible Dec/Jan they had?  Seriously, Seattle, what have you done to piss off the weather gods?  I guess I shouldn’t taunt the weather gods though, as it is finally tolerable in Nashville and good goddamn would I like it to stay that way.

Today has been very very very very long already and it isn’t even lunch time yet.  Not only has it already been long, but I’m just having my coffee now.  I’ve been shockingly productive, despite being under caffeinated, still there is never enough time to get everything I have in my head done.   Today’s to-do list has already been crunched and broken, but I’ve got a huge head start on tomorrow’s list, so that’s something.  I’m nothing if not flexible. Which means, I guess sometimes I am nothing and sometimes  I am everything.

I am all signed up for PodCampNashville.  Like minded music and blogging folks might want to go check it out.  I’m definitely interested in some of the speaker sessions, but mostly I’m just fucking giddy that organizing like this going on in Nashville.

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slow green glow

I had to scrape ice off my car this morning.  Brrrrrr!  My fingers still aren’t warm.  But it doesn’t matter.  You know why?  Because the little shrubs at the base of the wall of trees in my side yard have tiny green leaves on them.  Tiny.  Green.  Leaves.  That means spring.  Yes, oh, yes it does.

Song for today: Monday Morning Makeup – The New Tragedies (click to download or go buy it)

Now I need more coffee.  Lots to be done and none of it will be if I’m just lazing about all under caffeinated.

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icy tales told by the sun

Last night I dreamt a bunch of strange and complicated things. Including something about lumps of ice that when you put them in your mouth and let them melt a little they would tell you stories.  If you got too big of a piece the stories would overlap and become convoluted.  Which is surely a metaphor for my life in general right now.  Too many things overlapping and becoming confused.

That said, and despite some recent tragedies among my friends, I am pretty happy right now.  The delicious springlike weather is helping that a lot.  Now I only need to learn to enjoy the weather and plow through my huge mountain of work.

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just around the corner, and down the street, over the bridge

In the northern hemisphere today is the mid point between the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox.  Which means, basically, we are over the hump. It’s all downhill to spring from here.  Hurrah!

I’ve been awake since 7, trying to get some stuff done, worrying about other stuff. My internet is entirely out (thank goodness for nearby coffee shops with wireless), which means, I guess, that I will get a lot of non online related stuff done today.

Yesterday was insanely gorgeous.  Ladybug and I went and walked around the neighborhood.  We kept crossing paths with these two cute, white-haired ladies.  Like looking into the future.  Heh.

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extra toes and chilly weather be damned

I used to be all, “hey, let’s move someplace sunny!” you know ’cause it can be quite grey in the PNW.  And now I live someplace sunny, and I realize it isn’t enough.  I should have chosen some place that was sunny and warm, year ’round.

And then I wonder, have I become so soft that a few (short) months of cold is unbearable to me?  Apparently so.  The forecast tells me that tomorrow will be positively springlike, before temps drop back down.  It’s like a little ray of hope. I can make it until March.  I can make it until March. I can make it until March. I can make it until March. I can make it until March. I can make it until March. I can make it until March.

Today should be a good day.  I have no expectations for it, but I do have plans and if it all comes together it should be quite enjoyable.

Here is a little extra glee for your day:

Is it just me, or is that extra toe incredibly cute?

And look at these grumpy little faces!!!!

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changes in the sky

I’ve been confused by the rapid changes in Tennessee weather since I got here.  Last night as I left work, I was sure there was no way the predicted snow would come.  I mean it was 1 am and clearly way too warm to snow.  I think the difference is that in Seattle the weather comes right off the ocean and is hung up on the mountains for a while so no sudden changes happen. Whereas, here things sort sweep in from any and all directions and are subject to change at a moment’s notice.

So yes it ‘snowed’ here.  On the one hand, I get it.  I mean a tiny bit of snow here is much bigger deal because it happens so rarely and no one knows how to drive in it.  On the other hand, no one here knows how to drive most of the time anyway and everyone actually acts quite panicked and absurd about the snow.

Luckily I have plenty of work to do here, since I don’t think I’m going to go out today.  And right now I have coffee, I have apple cherry cobbler that I took from the restaurant last night and I have fuzzy blanket.  Perhaps I will try and preserve this moment as long as possible.

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sunlight deficit disorder

Blogging is such a weird thing.  It is clearly screaming for attention.  I mean, if we didn’t want attention, then we would just write all this stuff on paper, in a little notebook, like we used to do back in the Dark Ages.  But on the other hand, I feel a constant push-pull about having an audience, or rather knowing who my audience is.  I find that as time goes on I censor myself, worried what my readers will think, or trying to conform to some persona that I think they expect from me.  I don’t want to do this.  Like of course I’m never really going to talk explicitly about sex, or even romance in this space, because I’m just not that person. But I find occasionally I am limiting even how I react to things.  Ugh.  So yes, I am going to try and stop this.  I mean, really, what am I worried about?  Am I going to shock people?  Are people going to think differently of me?  Am I going to reveal too much of who I am? And so what?  I’m smart, I’m funny, and gosh darn it, people like me.  Heh.

It’s January, which in my mind means that winter is over and I am just counting down some arbitrary number of days until spring starts.  It’s like my personal creation of cold weather limbo.  I’ve rejected the idea of winter. And yet the weather is not cooperating with my aspirations. The recent grey, grim rains haven’t improved the sense of being in purgatory.  Though admittedly when the sun does appear it makes me kind of ecstatic, and I mean that very specifically in the rapturous, having fits kind of way. Light therapy, indeed.

I’d really love to learn to not stress myself out.  I can identify the factors.  I take on too much work, I set unreasonable deadlines, I screw around until the last minute even when the deadline is reasonable, I beat myself up when I don’t finish my insane task list.  I’m starting to wonder if I shouldn’t just stop obsessing over changing how I do things and instead just restructure things and make them work better for me.

Of course some things should stop.  Like right now I’m blathering on about this and watching Eric Stoltz movies when I should be either sewing, or editing, or writing or coding.  Huh, yeah, I should get on those things.  So later I’m not freaking about not having done them. Clearly the answer here is for some sort of fairy, or small gnomish creature, to follow me around, keep me on task and reward me when I’m done. That definitely seems like the most reasonable plan.

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silly, chilly me

Holy crap it’s cold. 9°F  (4°Fwith wind chill)  is just unacceptable.  Yes, I’m sure it’s colder farther norther, but I don’t live farther north.  It just shouldn’t be this cold.  BRRRRR.

I was going to bundle up and brave it to get coffee and bagel next door.  But alas, I don’t have any money.  Because yesterday I was concerned about carrying wads of cash around with me, so I deposited it all int he bank and then…left my card in the cash machine at the bank and didn’t realize it until I was at the grocery store trying to pay.


Luckily Ladybug was with me to pay for my groceries.  And now I have to run to the bank before I go to the airport, and get wads of cash, so I have money on my trip, since I had to cancel the card and order a new one.

The worst part is I brought this on myself.  I was talking the other night about how I rarely lose my keys, etc.  Yeah, great, make giant sweeping statements and invoke the Lords of Cosmic Jest. Very smart.  *sigh*

I should go wash my hair, get ready for my day, make sure I’m packed, head to the great north west.  BUT DAMN, IT IS COLD.  I’m not even sure I can go around the house with wet hair.  COLD.  Even with the snow and storms and all it’s way warmer than this is Seattle.  Now if only I could get there.

Maybe I’ll just burrow back under the blankets for a little bit.  Just until my fingers aren’t stiff from cold anymore.