AJAX BELL

Author of the Queen City Boys books

Category Archives: screen time


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History in the present, in pictures

I hope many of you are already reading The Gay Men Project.  If you aren’t I’m glad to introduce you to it. It is, I suppose, something like Humans of New York, but both larger and more narrow.  I love reading the first person accounts of these men’s lives. How diverse their experiences are, how different.  Seeing the older men talk about the times they came out, how they came out, how being gay affected their lives. And the younger men, not all, but so many saying how being gay is such a small part of their identity, just a thing, nothing to make a big deal about.

I think about this a lot, this split.  I am so grateful, so thankful, that simply being gay is slowly becoming meaningless. Just an aspect of a person, not their entire identity. This is hugely important and the kind of acceptance we’ve been fighting for all these years.  And I feel a little loss in the face of it. ‘Gay’ has never been a homogenous (heh) culture but a mass of connected subcultures and it’s hard to see those dissapear. Yes, the terrible sterotypes, the negative judgements are washing away with them and good riddance.  But there was once a narrative that we are losing. An oral tradition of sorts, codes of conduct, akin to secret handshakes, passed down from generation to generation. And even the stereotypes weren’t all bad, many existed and allowed you to find your own, even when outsiders couldn’t quite see what was going on.

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Truly the need for secrecy was awful.  It existed to keep gay people safe. That there was so much threat, to their jobs, lives, and persons, that it required being hidden was terrible.  Being 40, I lived only on the very far edges of that, heard about, passed down verbally to me, as the history of a subculture. I’m glad the threat is lessening, dissipating. But the stories, the transfer of information from person to person is disappearing too. Becoming ancient lore, mythology, something barely seen. Subtext in old books and movies is lost, without this code and key to understand it. And that part I’m going to miss when it’s gone. It’s becoming a humorous stereotype of all it’s own, gay movies now filled with a greek chorus of older gay men shaking their heads at the youth of today for not knowing the great gay icons, not knowing the struggle.

The Gay Men Project preserves some of this passed on history. You can see bits and pieces of it in older men’s stories, still being shared, in a different way to the next generation.

I also love the diversity of pictures, of people. In an era when gay men’s bodies are becoming as scrutinized and modified as women’s have long been, it’s nice to have a break from the sculpted abs and designer clothes. To see real people shouldn’t be be so refreshing, but it is and it’s a great reminder that being out is what gives us all freedom.  When you can see that these are simply your neighbors, your friends, your family, integral parts of your community. Not monsters or perverts, but average people, it’s so very important to the cause, to equality, to freedom.

So thanks, Kevin Truong, for the work you’re doing to relay this these beautiful stories and pictures.

vintagegay


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Only Lovers Left Alive

tumblr_n61mx7lrnm1r7wwqao1_500Last night I went and saw Only Lovers Left Alive with Darrah.  It was playing, as far as we could tell, only one week, Mon-Thur, two shows a night, at different times each night. At a theater inconvenient to most anyone who would probably be interested in it.  If they could even discover it was playing.  7pm on Thursday and the audience was the two of us, a solitary fangirl (I saw you, ma’am and recognized what you are), and two 50s-ish guys.  I mean I guess the theater can argue the limited run was for lack of interest but, c’mon, Nashville.  Why wasn’t this at the Belcourt,and publicized, like at all?

Still I’m grateful we saw it the theater, and in a quiet theater no less, because it was amazing.  I couldn’t watch the first couple minutes, where everything was spinning.  Too vertigo-y for my delicate brain constitution, but the rest of it was fucking perfect.

I want to crawl inside this movie and live forever. I over identified with Adam’s character, so crawling inside it obviously means Tilda Swinton would be my wife, which is all I’ve ever wanted out of the world. But there’s more reasons than that.  My coworker asked what it was about this morning, and I said, “it was vampire movie, but if I had to use single words to describe it they would be: soft, comfortable, calm and romantic.”  There really wasn’t angst and suffering in OLLA, just a little irritation and exasperation. And of course, the vampire thing.  I started reading Anne Rice and Chelsea Quinn Yarbro when I was 14 or 15.  Yep the vampire thing is kind of over played in pop culture now, but it will always be a huge part of  my emotional and intellectual upbringing.  OLLA was the vampire movie of my goth teenager dreams.  It filled me with the same calm wonder as discovering the Romantic poets did, or finding The Chameleons UK and feeling like someone else really understood my inner world.

The pacing of the movie was oddly relaxing.  There was no real sense of urgency in it, even when people were hurrying to do things. There was tension, but it never felt scary or anxiety inducing.  There was just this pervading sense that whatever came could be handled, somehow.  Which is perfect, if you’ve lived forever and been through everything, sure this too shall pass, you  know it will.  The film was also very much a snap shot. No long flashbacks, only casual discussion of their long past together.  Just here, right now, a small window into a long long life. And everything was left to be inferred.  There was no explanation for vampirism or powers or anything, it was just a given you’d know some parts and figure out others.

And of course now all I want to do is go shop for just the right white leather jacket.  I mean if I can’t marry Tilda Swinton can I at least please be super cool like her?

tumblr_n4zjh1y5fE1sw6awyo1_500I left the theater feeling both calmed and utterly delighted.  I want to write stories like this.  Stories that are merely a slice of life, a small window of a larger tale, but still utterly engaging and interesting. Stories that lack complicated plots but are rich and detailed with character, scene, setting and tone.

I totally recommend OLLA, but watch it undistracted, so you can live in it while it unfolds.


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I been missing you, hope you’re missing me

Wow, so yeah I haven’t really been blogging at all recently, huh? Maybe it’s time to start again.

I’ve been complaining lately to friends about how much I miss LiveJournal. The heyday of it anyway, since it still exists. Recently I’ve watched a lot of movies and TV that I want to squee with someone about.  I miss my old LJ community, a group wide, deep, and diverse enough that at least surely a couple people would be interested in talking to me about which Korean dramas I’m watching, about German pop-glamrock bands, about anime, and about why I might be the only person left who still enjoys Supernatural (do I enjoy it because I watch it in a void without fandom’s influence? I may never know).  But now I feel like I’m just shouting into the void or pestering my friends with things they don’t care about but indulge my babbling out of love (which is actually kind of awesome in it’s own way).

Lacking that community I’ve been trying to seek out folks I lost in the diaspora years ago. Looking the Tumblrs and the Twitters, poking around sites I last saw faces I recognized, but everyone has moved on to unknown fandoms, has changed their names, or otherwise I’ve forgotten how to recognize them.  Which is kind of sad, but won’t stop me from continuing to shout into the void.

So I’ve been watching Ouran High School Host Club (OMG Hitachiin twins!) in fits and starts, mostly when I work out.  Which it’s totally not conducive to working out because I find I’ve often slowed or stopped and am staring at the TV, slack jawed.  I mean really it’s like an entire anime made up of nothing but fanservice.  And layers of meta so deep you need hip waders to get through it.  Somehow despite how obvious it’s pandering is, it’s still gripping and smart enough that I actually care about all the characters.

I found this amazing academic paper, which didn’t tell me much I didn’t know about OuranHSHC, but it did prove that I made major misstep in my life by not going into a field where I got paid to teach and write about things like anime and manga.

Man, this show is so weird.  It gets as much right as it does wrong and I’m not sure you’d really enjoy it if you weren’t already familiar with anime and boy’s love manga. Or maybe you’d love it and be super disappointed when everything else didn’t turn out to be like the crazed, ridiculousness this anime is.  It’s on Netflix, subbed or dubbed, and I think everyone should watch it and come contemplate Mori-san’s love for Honey-sempai with me. We can talk about how every episode is more batshit crazy than the last. It’s just nuts. Nuts only my fangirl homegirls would really understand. If only I could find them all again.

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There is so much more love in the world than you can conceive of

Let’s talk about Tom Daley coming out. For those of you who don’t know (I’m assuming a possibility that the media storm about it has only been in the kind of online circles I travel in) Tom Daley is an Olympic Diver from the UK who came out this week in a very sweet little video (link has a transcript if you don’t have patience for a video). I’m very proud of him for his brave act, but I’m more interested in the responses I’m seeing in the media and in comments I’m seeing on stories about this. Really I just want to address the common responses I’m seeing.

1) “It’s no one’s business who he loves.” While in an ideal world this is true. Tom says it himself in his video that in a perfect world he wouldn’t have to do this. I wish he didn’t. But he does because all over the world people are still persecuted, punished, stigmatized, shunned and even killed because of who they love. Coming out is the only way to combat that. When your family, friends, and public figures that you admire make public statements about who they love it makes the entire idea of queerness less threatening. It opens a conversation to help everyone understand that two women or two men getting married isn’t a threat to anyone’s way of life. Because, yes, who your partner is IS a private thing, but it can’t be a quiet thing until we’ve made society at large safe for every one in it. Visibility is key to safety and coming out is key to visibility. So, of course it’s no one’s business who Tom Daley spends time with but until he and everyone queer is 100% safe then public coming outs will stil matter, will still mean something. It’s fine if YOU don’t have a problem with it, but it is important to recognize that your support is much more meaningful than dismissing it as something that is “no one’s business.”

2. Tom Daley “still fancies girls.” This so important and so complicated. Headlines say, “Tom Daley comes out as gay!” People angrily respond that he obviously came out as bisexual since he made a point about liking girls. Headlines say, “Tom Daley comes out as bisexual!” People angrily respond that he did not label himself, so we should not label him, besides he’s young and this probably just his way of easing into gayness or not ostracizing part of his fanbase. This is such an important conversation and it’s important especially because it’s happening. Whether Tom is gay, bisexual or something else actually is no one’s business. He’s been clear that he is with a man, he is very happy and he feels safe and supported in the relationship. That’s all that matters. So why are we arguing about the label? Because bisexuality is a real thing and it is often ignored or erased. Erasure happens because if a person likes boys and girls they generally pair up with one or the other and immediately become identified as gay or straight. Bisexual men are frequently told that they are just not yet fully admitting that they are gay. Bisexual women are often told that they are attention seeking, confused, or just slutty. Homosexuals are as guilty of these responses as the straight majority is. So when Tom Daley says he fancies girls at a time when he does not need too (everyone is going to say he’s gay anyway, everyone knows he’s with a man, so why temper it with mentioning girls?) it matters because it opens to conversation about how sexuality isn’t binary. It isn’t just gay or straight. There’s a whole huge spectrum out there that goes beyond the Kinsey scale. What it boils down to is that it still shouldn’t matter who someone’s partner is, but it does matter that they feel supported in their lives. We’ve been making some strides with gay marriage. As a society we are becoming more comfortable with lesbians and gay men in public spaces. But the whole array of human sexuality, the bisexuals, transgendered, genderqueer, asexual and whole host of other possibilities are still invisible. So when Tom Daley says he’s fancies girls he’s allowing for public conversation, allowing for visibility for everyone who hasn’t yet been invited to the table of acceptance.  No, it doesn’t matter how we label him as an individual, it isn’t our business, but it is our business to pay attention and to listen to our friends and family so we can better understand how they identify and make them feel safe as well.

So congratulations, Tom Daley, on your new found happiness, and thank you for making important conversations possible.

On a more shallow note, holy smokes, Tom Daley is beautiful and his boyfriend is so handsome! And they seem so smart and thoughtful. There haven’t been many present day celebrity romances that have me me all fluttery, but this feels very old school romancey to me, very Bogart and Bacall. I’ll be over here sighing, with cartoon hearts in my eyes, every time I see a picture of them.


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Almost making it

So ever since I saw the movie I have been thinking about the striped sweater that Kristen Wiig wears on the plane in Bridesmaids.

Of course it’s no longer in stores and all the similar ones I can find are priced way out of anything I can afford.  So I set out to make it.  How hard could it be, anyway?  It’s like three pieces of fabric.

Test run #1 wasn’t the right fabric, but close enough.  I used a shirt pattern I already had and tried to guess about how it should be broken up between stripes and black.  The end result is wearable, although just not quite there yet:

But it’s close and super comfortable and it’s the first tee shirt I’ve ever made!  Sewing with knits is not fun.  Seriously do not like it.  But the end result is good enough that I’m definitely keeping it.  My second attempt I drafted my own pattern and found better fabric.  Alas the pattern fit was wonky and way off and the fabric shrunk like crazy when washed.  Still it is also wearable if not exactly perfect:

So close and yet still so far.  I might make one final run on this.  Redraft the pattern, keep hunting for the right fabric and eventually end up with the unbelievably simple shirt.  Or maybe I’ll just give up and be happy with what I have.  I mean I know how to sew tee shirts now.  A whole new world of sewing is open to me!


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cookies and stories

Most importantly I made gluten free peanut butter cookies this past weekend.  Here is the recipe:

1c peanut butter
1c sugar
1tsp vanilla
1 egg

Beat peanut butter and sugar together, then add egg and vanilla.  Roll into walnut-sized balls and place on greased (or parchment papered) cookie sheet and crush in # pattern with fork.  Bake 10(ish) minutes at 350′.  Eat.  Be amazed at how much like a floured cookie this is.

I made many and brought them to work.  No one seemed able to tell that they were any different than any other peanut butter cookie.  I might next time reduce the sugar and add a second egg to see if they can be chewier.  These came out just like I remember the standard Joy of Cooking recipe, just like a PB cookie, but I would like chewier version.  Also I recommend greasing up your hands before rolling the dough balls, as they are sticky wickets.

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I am still reading Deathless.  I don’t ever want it to end.  I feel like I’ve been seriously slowing down on it all week in a subconscious effort to draw out the fairytale as long as possible.  In my head the whole story is animated in paper cut-outs like the cover:

Also it makes me want to dress like a fashionable 1930s revolutionary and decorate my entire house in Russian folk art.

Speaking of folk art: Lubki prints of popular culture stories (I’m not linking to the original source here because it’s in Cyrillic).  I could totally decorate my house in there.  And then lounge around in this skirt.  And people would only think I’m slightly less crazy than they think right now.

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I also saw X-men: First Class this week and loved it.  Think this is an awesome introduction to the universe.  Though I’d recommend the comics over the other movies.  But despite some small casting discrepancies it was pretty well done and very enjoyable for a summer movie.  My triffling story problems with it are endemic to current films and don’t really detract from the movie (characters have instant changes of heart, but who has time for back story and moralizing when there’s explosions to be watched?).  Also Michael Fassbender wears the heck out of some clothes in this movie.  Mmmmhmmm.

Heading to the west coast in a little more than a day for my amazing little sister’s graduation.  Very excited to escape the oppressive middle TN heat right now.  Need to pack a neat capsule wardrobe, both fashionable and urban and for much cooler temps.  It’s kind of exciting.  Also need to finish some web work I promised folks and do a metric ton a job work before I go.


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Movies, books and needle books

Was a slow, relaxing, mostly wasted weekend. Lots of reading, walking and a some chores, not much else.

I did go see Thor on Sunday with Talks to Owls.  I enjoyed it thoroughly.  My only complaints were that his transformation was a little abrupt and barely shown and I think Alexander Skarsgård should have played Loki to up the eye candy and keep me even more amused. The actor playing Loki was too whiny and not nearly mischievous enough.  I feel that Skarsgård could have done a much better job at being trickstery.  Overall worth the price of admission though.  I forget how much I like going to the movies.  I wish the good theater by my house would reopen.  Stupid flood damage keeping me from movies for more than a year.

Hi Alex! Glad to have a thin excuse to post a picture of you!

I also read  the Hunger Games trilogy.  A fast but riveting read.  Highly recommended. Like I can’t stop thinking about it and harassing my friends to read it so they will talk to me about it.

And I didn’t touch any of sewing projects I have around the house in various states of doneness, but I did make a little felt book for my embroidery needles out of some scrap denim and silk I had lying around.  I’m pretty pleased with it. And Talks to Owls just got me these owl scissors  so I’m be all ready to get embroidering!


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How I spent my winter vacation

Today was a do nothing day.  It snowed and snowed and snowed.  Tons of snow. Okay, well, a little snow in general, but a lot of snow for Nashville.  We just aren’t equipped or prepared for it this far south.  And it was a little layer of ice, a few inches of snow, more ice, more snow and a final topping of ice.  Suffice to say, given the opportunity (and a rare Saturday off work), I stayed in bed.

Which isn’t to say I did nothing.  I managed to some stuff.  I did dress up all warmly this morning to go clear the snow off the porch and steps (for the fourth time), only to discover that after the previous clearings there was nothing left but ice.  Am considering dumping a couple buckets of warm water down it tomorrow.

Since I had pants on already, I took a few pictures, just for the memories.  I confess, I just don’t like snow.  I get it, I mean, I know people like it.  They like snow sports and days off school and the sort of freedom to goof off that Americans get when it’s a rare or major snow.  But I don’t like it.  Yes, it is pretty when it’s freshly fallen.  Yes, it is quiet and pleasant for a romantic walk or an introspective one (if dressed properly).  Still, I don’t like it.  Sledding?  Cold, wet gross and mostly associated with getting snow down the back of my pants. Not fun.  Ditto snowball fights and snow angels. And, after the initial pretty snowfall, urban snow is just gross. Mashed up, dirty, trodden on and weirdly polluted.  Traffic is awful.  Especially in places like Tennessee where almost no one knows how to drive in it, and the few transplants who do either opt not too, or get too cocky and forget that all the other people on the road have no idea what they are doing.  I just don’t like it.  It makes me cranky, crotchety, bitter and unpleasant.

Um, oops, oh yes, I wasn’t ranting, I was detailing my day.  So I went outside.  Then I came back in and hunkered down with my laptop all day.  I installed all the software that had fallen by the wayside when I updated my OS.  I reinstalled all my fonts and lost some time to finding a few pretty new ones (I do love fonts).  I cleaned out my browser bookmarks (backed up first, of course).  5 years of bookmarks.  FIVE YEARS.  Whole folders of hundreds of links I hadn’t even looked at in 2 or 3 or more years.  There’s something oddly satisfying about doing that kind of clean up.  I tided a few folders on my computers.  Organized some photos.  Backed up everything on my external drive.  Managed to clear up 54 gigs of space on my laptop (a lot of stuff had gotten duplicated in the transfer after the OS upgrade, I guess).  Spent a little time tweaking things, as Windows 7 is easy and lovely and light but still new in some ways. I made to-do lists of other things I need to do (which I will start on as soon as I post this). I shopped for and purchased a new bedspread (mine is functional, and in decent shape, it’s just uncomfortable and I kind of hate it). It was a day of nothing and still something of a useful day of clearing up loose ends.

I also watched Twilight.  Now, I haven’t read the books and have no intention of it.  I have very clear idea of the plot through the whole series and I know why some people like it and why others don’t.  I’ve heard critiques of author and of the film.  The whole thing borders on a pop culture joke. Still, I was curious so I watched it.  I admit to liking some pretty lame movies.  I don’t expect my entertainment to always be highbrow or anything.  And overall, for what it was, this movie wasn’t that bad.  It was silly and very cheesy but could have been enjoyable.  However, Edward (or rather the actor playing him) really ruined it for me.  Wow, his BAD BAD BAD overacting and weird pained looks and just bizarreness in how he played the character.  It was painful.  And also, the movie was pretty beautiful in parts (enough to make me really homesick for the West Coast), but I’m unclear on the decision not to have shot it on the Olympic Peninsula, where it takes place.  I recognized a lot of the PNW locations they used (mostly in Oregon and south central Washington).  They were gorgeous locations, but they didn’t look like Forks.  Perhaps the choice was made because there isn’t much picturesque about Forks.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of good memories tied to Forks and the surrounding Reservation and forest land.  Just, you know, it doesn’t look anything like central Washington or Oregon.  And yes, it was a cheesy movie, but aside from Edward’s bad acting, what really pulled me out of it was not at all feeling  like where they filmed it looked right.  Like it was green and grey and wet in all the right ways, but it wasn’t the coast.  It lacked salt air or something. I suspect I’m a minority of viewers who would have such a problem.

I’m actually quite cheerful and pleased with my day, even though I suspect this post comes over all rantypants and insane.

Hi!  What did you all do with your Saturday?


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Tennessee is green in spring (if we can make it until then)

Yeah, so 23°F.  I could be planning, working, doing all sorts of things.  Or I could crawl under many blankets and watch episodes of 30 Rock on my laptop and fantasize about having Liz Lemon‘s wardrobe. Like this dress.  She has it in a couple colors.  And man, do I need one.  Of course I immediately think I should just make one: find, modify or draft my own pattern.  Get some cotton jersey, maybe in green (but probably in purple). And get too it.  Especially if I’m going to be up late at night, I should at least be practicing sewing with knits.  And yet, it’s so damn cold, all I am doing is huddling under blankets  and thinking about Liz Lemon’s wardrobe.  Yes, winter is a sad, sad time for me.

Actually it’s not as bad as all that.  I’m dressed and Libelle and I are going to go outside and find food (warm restaurant food, not like foraging in the woods or anything).  We might even run errands or *gasp* walk a little. And then of course it’s back to blankets and TV watching.  I don’t actually feel guilty about hibernating.  I”ll get stuff done later in the week when it’s tolerably warm and I feel functional.

Picture is what my porch will be like when the warm weather returns.


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fantasy wardrobe, fantasy weather, lots of whining

I’ve just started watching Lie to Me.  It’s good so far.  I like crime procedurals and geeky things like the science around reading facial expressions. So far though, what I’m most impressed with is the wardrobe.  Who ever is dressing the women on this show is doing a spectacular job. The two dresses Dr. Foster wears in the pilot are fantastic. The grey sheath is flattering and simple but it the details on the neck line construction are beautiful.  The second dress has some amazing pleats down the front.  Sadly I can’t find a picture of it.  I’d love to try and reconstruct it.    Everything she wears is perfect.  The dress at the wedding.  The long coat and boots at the fire station.

Torres always looks perfectly professional and yet interesting and comfortable.  Even Dr. Lightman’s secretary has gorgeous clothes perfectly suited to her figure and her position.  Love her ruffly cardigan in the second episode and her cute plaid dress in the third ep.

The clothes on this show are so great that they make me almost wish that I worked in an office so that I could dress like these women.

Of course it’s so cold here that I can’t sew.  My sewing room is the coldest room in the house.  Sure I could drag the space heater in there or something, but I don’t know if it will keep my hands warm enough to do the work I need to do.  Really this whole Arctic blast thing or whatever it is is awful.  The current -2°F (windchill) is unbearable.  And yes, I know it’s colder in the NE or whatever, but I don’t live in the northeast.  I live in Tennessee, in a house with no insulation that could use at least a lot more weather stripping.  The forecast tells me I just need to make through until Sunday and temps will go back to normal.  But 3 days of temps not even hitting 30°F as high with windchills around 4°F is pretty awful even if I only have to be outside for a few minutes at a time.  Plus today’s gross wet snow is going to be an ice nightmare should I decide to venture out.

While I’m thinking about cold and clothes, I got this sweater over the holidays (thanks, mom!) and I love it so much I’m seriously considering getting the blue one too (the one I have is sort of muddled brown/deep purple), of course by the time it was shipped to me it would be warm again outside.   Still, soft!  Cozy!  Cute!  I want to wear it all the time.  And I guess, given the current temps, I’ll have that opportunity.

Today’s picture I took at Mt. Rainier in the summer of ’05.  Green!  So green!  Not like winter at all.


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Let’s get this party started quickly

Libelle and I saw Avatar last night.  It was gorgeous and entirely worth the 3-D experience and price for the visuals. The story lacks, it’s your standard Hero’s Journey with added male-dominated society and offensive Noble Savage (or do I mean Romantic Primativism?) notes.  And yet it was very moving and enjoyable.

Ranking of winter movies I’ve seen, in order of story quality (by my own personal not described standards):
1. The Fantastic Mr. Fox
2. Up in the Air
3. Sherlock Holmes
4. Avatar

Ranking of winter movies I’ve seen, in order of emotional effect on me:
1. Up in the Air
2. Avatar
3. The Fantastic Mr. Fox
4. Sherlock Holmes

When I got home last night I wrote out this long post about the new year and my resolutions. Of course I left it on on open Notepad doc, didn’t save it and closed my computer and now it’s gone gone gone.  You’d think after years of computer use I wouldn’t continuously do things like this.  (It’s also possible that somewhere between when I took the Nyquil last night and when I actually went to bed that I typed over it.)  I’ll try and recreate it here.

Taking as page from a friend of mine (thanks, SH!), I’d like to go into this new decade and say that I am not a writer, not a project manager, a librarian, a waitress or a web developer.  I do not want to tie my identity to my work or to my projects and ventures. I simply want to be and do.  By which I mean I’d like to continue to create and plan and work until I land on what I will be seriously committing myself to for the forseeable future.  So I can be identified, for the sake of clarity as a sewist, or a reviewer, or a waitress, but I will let go of self identification as any of these things and simply do the work I need to get done.

I have in the coming year, approximately 26,000 hours of projects I’d like to complete about about 3,000 hours of time to devote to to those projects.  I am going to have to plan and pick and choose my projects carefully if I want to get anything done at all.  By eliminating self identification I’m hoping to make this process easier. That is to say, if I don’t primarily identify as a writer then I’m not saying to myself, “Well as a writer I must prioritize all writing projects and sideline sewing projects.”

I’m not 100% sure I’m explaining this well.  It might be too abstract, too much my own internal thought process, for public consumption, but I felt the need to put it here for reference in the future.  Overall, I guess my problem is that my focus is so wide that I feel scattered and am not managing to finish individual projects.  I know I need to narrow my focus and buckle down. Rather than say “I’m sewist, I will complete sewing projects.” I am going to let go of what I am and list my individual projects and focus on ones that I can reasonably complete and finish those, rather than tie myself up in the idea of the larger projects.  Hmm, I might be getting more vague the longer I type.  I wonder how often things make perfect sense in my head and I’m still not able to translate them into written words.  Is this a fault of language and communication or have I simply not clarified to myself well enough what my ideas are?  I can say for sure that the lost post I started writing last night was more clear and succinct that what I’ve ended up with here today.

Also I have been trying to include a picture with every post I make here, just for added interest.  This year I am going to try and include a picture I took with every post.  It won’t necessarrily be related to the post, nor have been taken recently.  I just realized I have hundred of pictures on file that I rarely look at and don’t do anything with, so I’ll try and share them here.  Today’s picture was taken in my backyard in Feb 2007.  It isn’t snowy here now, but it’s damned cold and this picture reminds me of how bleak winter is in Tennessee.


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lost weekend

maidenformad

“You’re so profoundly sad.”
“No, it’s just my people are Nordic.”

AHAHAHAHAHAH!  Okay, I’m catching up on Mad Men finally (and yes that means means I’m barely into the second season), but wow, if that isn’t the best line ever. If only because it’s true.  And because it’s much like a conversation I recently had.  I wonder if there has been research about Scandinavian people being more inclined to melancholy.  Or do people just assume it’s the cold and lack of light somehow infusing our genetics.

The only bad thing about being so far behind on Mad Men is that I don’t really have any one to talk to about it.  I can’t be like, “Oh, can you believe that episode!?!” because everyone else saw it a year ago.  *sigh*  Oh well, I’m almost up to the new season, then I can be all cool and in the know.

So far this weekend I have watched way too much TV (though all of it Mad Men), spend a lovely day day chatting with my own Birdy about sewing and boys and TV and friends. I also tailored all my jeans so they fit better after all the weight I’ve lost.  I guess this is inclination to keep eating healthy and maybe exercise, since now none of my pants will fit if I gain the weight back. I also tore up some of our  ugly, raggedy throw pillows and made some shiny, new ones, which are, uh, very bright.  And maybe tacky, but definitely more comfortable than ones we had.

Today I need to cut out some of the next projects on my lists, work on some web stuff and take a bunch of pictures of stuff I have finished.  I was going to get a pedicure too, but I slept all morning (after staying up half the night watching MM) so  maybe that will have to happen tomorrow.

Now, I need to put on pants so I’m not embarassing myself when the neighbor boys come over to help me fix the broken coffee table.


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Expensive cures for insomniacs

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I’m watching Kingdom of Heaven.  Kind of.  This the 4th or 5th time I’ve tried to watch this movie.  Once again, I’m not paying enough attention to know exactly what’s going on.  Because the movie is so incredibly boring.  SO BORING.  I just don’t know how you can take story like this, in such an interesting time period, in such a gorgeous setting and make a complete snoozefest out of it.  I so wanted to love this movie.  And let me tell you, I enjoyed the incredibly awful Clive Owen King Arthur movie.  I love The 13th Warrior.  But KoH isn’t so much unwatchable as it’s just so boring that your mind wanders, even in battle scenes.  Troy and Alexander also suffer from this problem.   What is wrong with movie makers today that they can’t even make a good story out of an already good story?  It almost feels like an intentional joke, like these renowned director’s got together and made bets as to who could take an epic story, get an all-star cast, spend insane amounts of money and make the most interminable movies ever.

Image is from The 13th Warrior which I should be watching instead of this dreck.


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I say tomato

GirlStatue

Had a lovely, lovely weekend.  Went to the Tomato Festival with Queen Mab (Queen of the fairies, who is not so tiny anymore) and her parents henceforth known as the Queen Mother and Haiku King because her mother looks like a fairy queen as well and her father–formerly Chef Daddy–is no longer a chef and won the Tomato haiku contest.  Grand champion, best in show of over 400 hundred entries, so that was pretty exciting.  I managed to only miss one little spot with the sunscreen and didn’t really get burned.  We had surprisingly delicious tomatillo and basil ice cream and ran into lots of neighborhood folks.

I confess that I never got dressed on Sunday.  As evidenced from yesterday’s post I spent the while day watching the first season of True Blood.  I did laundry, cooked, polished some boots, worked on some sewing projects, sorted out jewelry supplies and tidied up a bit (before I messed it all up again).  So the day wasn’t a complete loss.

Today I ran lots of errands, built myself a macro photo studio.  I need to get different lights as the ones I’d planned to use aren’t bright enough.  Kind of sucks because I probably could have found something at Target today, but alas I didn’t know until I’d already gotten home.  I paid bills, made a healthy dinner and went to yoga with the Queen Mother.  Now as a reward for my virtuous living I will spend the night on the couch watching more True Blood and eating chocolate covered dried cherries.

I’d feel bad about “undoing” all my good work, except that on Saturday I put on skirt I haven’t worn in quite a while and it was HUGE.  This is skirt that I let the waist out on by 2 inches before I went to Spain a few years ago.  Now it doesn’t even stay up.  So my choices clearly are to take the skirt back in a couple inches or eat chocolate cherries until it fits. Hmmmm.

Picture taken at the 2003 Chelsea Flower Show.


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too many things. and vampires.

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Libelle is still out of town and I am being kind of lazy on this Sunday.  Ha!  Of course even if Libelle was here, chances are I’d still be sitting around in my pajamas.  But since she is out of town, I am waiting and waiting to watch the last two episodes of Being Human.  Even though I am dying to find out what happens.

Because I needed something to watch I am watching True Blood. I am only on episode 2 of season 1.  I have clearly not at all been paying attention to mainstream media since I had no idea that this was based on the Sookie Stackhouse books. I read the first three books when they came out and in general I like vampire things (which seem really, really popular lately, is that Twilight fall out or something else?) so it seems like someone would have told me I should be watching this show.

As with any adaption it has it’s problems.  And of course the original stories themselves require a lot of suspension of disbelief (and I don’t mean just believing in vampires, but more the weird secrecy about part of it and how the rest of the world would respond to the existence of vampires).  Still it is well enough made TV to be cracky cracktastic crack.  I just wish the guy who played Bill was hotter.  Alas, they don’t yet let me cast all the TV I watch to my own specifications.  I do actually really like Sam.  And Tara.  And oddly enough, Jason.  Sookie is the epitome of a Mary-Sue, which is oddly likeable in this instance.   But maybe the thing I like best about the show so far is the credits.  They are subtly creepy and promise great things for the show.  The images are disturbing but somehow home-like as well.

Huh.  That’s a lot of words about TV.

So as I watch I have been slowly and carefully continuing to strip down my possessions.  I’ve talked about this a little here before.  I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.  Some of it is a Zen thing, some of it is just feeling sort of burdened by everything I own.  It’s not like I need to pack up and go at any moment.  No, it’s more like a few years ago I started looking at some of my stuff and feeling like I didn’t know who it belonged too.  And then, it feels weird to say, but there is such thing as too many shoes and too much clothing.  And then there’s the stuff that’s just stuff.  I have spent a good part of my weekend sorting through the tons of stuff I have just in case I need it.  And you know, some of this stuff I have literally been packing up and moving around for YEARS and still haven’t ever used any of it.  And so it goes away.  Hopefully to someone who will use it.

Of course some of the things I have way too many of are because I can’t find the right one.  Hand bags for instance, I buy one that seems good, use it for a bit and then shelve it in favor of one that might be better.  I did once find the perfect bag, but alas, when I got mugged last year it was one of the things I lost and I have not been able to find another one like it.  When my sister was here about a month ago I saw this bag and swooned over it.  It perfectly fits all my criteria.  I didn’t buy it though.  And I’ve been kind of obsessing it over it ever since.  So I guess I’ll smartly save my pennies for a few weeks and buy it. In purple.  Which is less practical, I guess than brown or black, but more me, non?  And hopefully this one wil prove to be a great as the one that got away.  Otherwise I’ll have to keep acquiring handbags.

Heh, the fact that I am sitting around in my pajamas contemplating vampires and handbags is probably a sign that I need to get out more.  Maybe I’ll go make dinner.  And then watch some more vampires…

The picture on this post is a conversation between my mom and one of my cousins.  It just cracks me up so much I had to share it with everyone.


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My name is George and I’m a werewolf

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I just spent an inordinate amount of time completely deconstructing the sleeves on a jacket, entirely remaking them, then taking it all apart (again) and putting it back to the way it was. Sometimes sewing is way more frustrating than it is relaxing.  I think I’m done sewing for the day.

Now I have to decide if I should go to bed or stay up and watch the last two episodes of Being Human.  I am completely obsessed with this show.  I’m only episode four but it’s utterly absorbing. I have teenage-like crush on the werewolf character.  Overall I like how all the characters play off each other, although I think Annie and Mitchell are kind of annoying on their own (he makes bad bad choices continuously and she can’t see the forest for the trees).  Is anyone watching this but me?  It’s running on BBC America right now and you can get it on On Demand if you have Comcast.  C’mon, people, join me!

I guess I kind of like the idea behind this new Nashville paper.  I am kind of confused about the choice to make it a print publication.  I mean I guess you get a wider audience, but given the state of news papers today it seems weird to start a new one.  Especially one that doesn’t actually have any news in it… Okay well, none of them have timely news anymore thanks to the internet, so maybe this is best use of a print paper.  I’m just not sure who their audience is after the novelty wears off.  The concept it self just seem much better suited to online.  I haven’t seen a copy yet but is it filled with ads or what?


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rainy days and Tuesdays

If is wasn't raining, I'd like to walking here right now.

The picture of the day yesterday on Bing.com was of Spain.  Anthony Bourdain’s episode yesterday was in Spain.  When I went to the library to pick up my holds, besides Victoria & Albert I also got When the Moors Ruled in Europe and Moorish Spain.   Obviously some of this I chose, but some just happened.  I’m sure the universe is trying to tell me to continue my studies and get my butt to Spain.

While watching TV yesterday I saw a lot of commercials for reality shows.  Most of these shows hold no interest for me whatsoever, but now I’m even more offended after seeing little bits of them.  I deal with enough assholes in every day life (one is too many really), why would I want to watch people on TV being horrible to other people?

Most of my sewing today isn’t turning out quite as I’d hoped.  I think I’m going to go ahead and iron and cut out mynext couple projects and then just leave off for a bit.

Tomorrow is a big dentist day (getting fitted for the bridge–which involves grinding some teeth down) and I’m trying not to think about it, but I”m pretty sure it’s the source of my anxiety and dissatisfaction today.  Ugh.


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it’s the things we leave behind

It has been PAUL week at our house.  We didn’t plan it (though we did tip the scales in our favor), but we have been watching almost nothing but Paul Bettany and Paul Rudd movies.  So I’m sitting here, finishing up somethings from the day, thinking about going to read in bed until I pass out.  And I idly check the TV listings and, oh look, another Paul Bettany movie, Firewall, which I haven’t seen.  Clearly the universe wants us to have Pauls.

I have cleaned out my closet.  Only have shoes and jewelry left to sort.  This is part of my life simplification plan.  And also, seriously, I just have way too much shit.  Shit I don’t need, shit that makes me feels weighted and in some ways makes my life harder than I need it to to be.  So I am cleaning an sorting.  And even after this round of cleaning out I still have way too much stuff. Before MOPMD left for Europe he whittled his possesions down to (I believe) four suitcases (might even have been three) and two cardboard boxes.  Now I don’t aspire to that level of minimalism, but man, it must be really freeing to have so little stuff. Zen levels of relaxing.  The absence of desire is the end of suffering. And, apparently, the absence of stuff is the end of caring about, uh, stuff.

This morning I got a massage, courtesy my friends, T&R, and it was fantastic. Tomorrow I go to the dentist (again), this time to see how the tooth extraction site is healing, to check the health and stability of the rest of my teeth and to start the process for getting my permanent replacement tooth.  I’ve decided (after much research) on a bonded resin bridge.  Implants are completely horrifying to me (I couldn’t even read about them without shuddering in horror) and a traditional bridge is more invasive than I think is necessary.  I’m not 100% sure my dentist will do this for me, but there are other dentists.  Hopefully I won’t have to shop around for it though, as I do like my dentist and I’d like to get through all this as quickly as possible.  The flipper appliance has been okay, in the sense I can talk to people without feeling awkward about the gap in my mouth, but I’ve never gotten the hang of eating with it in and really, I just don’t like the feeling of it in my mouth.  I’d like to get back to as close to normal as soon as possible.  I am hoping the appointment tomorrow goes okay and doesn’t undo all the good work my massage did this morning.  I probably should have scheduled the appointments in the reverse order.

(Wow, Paul Bettany looks kind of creepy in this movie or rather, he just shouldn’t have his hair like that.  And yet his voice make my knees a little weak.  Man, I could listen to him read the phone book.)


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seemingly unconnected

Hot.  Just roughly ten days of over 95°F and night time low temps of 79°F.  Daytime heat index has been over 100°F.  I’m not complaining exactly, especially since it’s spposed to break tonight.  At least for a few days.  I’m looking forward to that.  But it’s the kind fo heat that wears you down and I’ve already had so much going on, all the kind of stuff that wears your soul down and the heat just is making things worse, you know?

Also, PNW people, I know when I lived out west I said that poeple here didn’t understand that when it was hot in the PNW it was worse because weren’t used to it and no one had AC.  I take it back.  Sereiously.  It’s hotter here, even with AC, and harder to bear.  I am saying this, only because I am here.  If I was there and it was hot like this, I’d probably go back to my original opinion. 🙂  I reserve the right to change my mind as often as I like.

And, I’ve said before, the weather in this part of the country still baffles me.  I understand Seattle weather, how it lies between the mountains, how the clouds catch, why it rains, where the wind comes from, etc.  In Tennessee things just don’t happen in way that seems normal to me.  Cloud cover and night time don’t cool tempratures down.  The hottest part of the day is at the wrong time and somewhat variable.  Temps can drop, like they are right now, at 4 pm, on a clear and sunny day, for no reason other than a different weather system is coming in, unhindered by mountains and unchanged by oceans.  I mean, I guess I understand it, it just feels so alien to me.

—

“Nonsense.  Name a shrub after me.  Something prickly and hard to eradicate.”

*SIGH*  Oh Jack and Stephen, I love you so much.

So, uh, Im sitting here, reading some pretty hard science fiction and simultaneously watching Master and Commander.  And suddenly I’m wishing the future was even more now.  Where are my full text searchable databases of all the literature in the world?  I have an impulsive desire to go look a specific line in the third book of O’Brian’s Aubrey-Maturin series (which is listed in some Amazon entries as “Aubrey/Maturin” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) when I realize, oh, I don’t have any of those books here.  And it’s too late on Sunday afternoon for me to go to the library.  I suppose I could find an open Border’s books or something and look it up there, but that would mean putting on pants and brushing my hair.  Too much effort.  And in the other book I’m currently reading the tech allows almost anything to be searchable.  And so here I am wishing for full text searchable databases of all literature.

When I was in college people acted like librarians would soon be an extinct thing of the past.  Presumably because we’d all have these imaginary databases.  I said, no in my lifetime.  Tragically, it looks like I was right.  Come on, technology, catch up!!

—

Normalcy begins tomorrow.  I’ve been a wreck and I have no real desire to talk about why.  I’ve been wavering in pattern of taking a day to try and equalize and recover myself, starting to regroup the next day and then either I do something to fuck up or some outside force interfers and I stumble and try again to take a day to recover myself and the cycle begins again, lather, rinse, repeat.  Can’t go on forever and I’ve been seeing land on the horizon for a while.  Land fall is tomorrow and so the rolling, tide-like cycle can end.  Sorry for the nautical metaphors.  The hazards of the combination of the book I’m reading and the movie I’m watching right now.

Wednesday is the next of the big dental apointments.  And while th end is in sight, it’s still pretty far away.  I reserve the right to still have an emotional meltdown after each apointment.  I’ll probably come out of all of this needing therapy just to go into a dentist’s office again.  Or maybe I’ll take my mom’s advice and take valium before the appointments.  Not to be all drama queen or anything but the whole dental episode is still damn upsetting.  I am very glad to have friends around.  Everyone’s been very good to me and hopefully will continue to be even as I am prickly and unpleasent.

And all that said, I would give a lot, a whole lot to spend five days or a week alone at the beach when this is all over.

—

Crackjack Sister gets here tomorrow.  I can recuperate and be touristy and half-way vacation at the same time.  Having family here is the best because I never have to explain how I feel or why I’d do something a certain way.  No, that’s not explaining it right. Suffice to say, I’m looking forward to relaxing with my sister.  Sometimes there are Monday’s to look forward too.


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silly silly

As you may or may not know, I am unabashed Will Smith fan.  Let me say that I know absolutely nothing about the man, nor do I have any interest in him, his personal life or anything he does off screen (this is true for most actors, people are icky and I’d rather not have their lives taint my movie fantasy time).  But I love me some Will Smith movies.  Any of them, all of them (yes, even Wild, Wild West). So this morning, I’m watching Hancock (again) and it strikes me how great the little kid in this movie is.  I mean he’s like a normal (and by that I mean spastic) 8 or 9 year old boy.

TV and movies are full of so many precocious, overly wise children.  And sure those exist, but it’s really nice to see perfectly normal children in mass media.  Even if that media otherwise has no relation to reality at all.

Also, I might currently be excessively hormonal, but this movie is making me cry a lot today.  I’m not even to the end yet, but even rescuing the cop int he beginning? Gah, tear-fest!

—

As a kid I loved Mad Magazine and Cracked.  In fact, I love Cracked more.  Lately I’ve reading a lot of lists that folks link to at Cracked.com and man, I still kind of adore them.  For instance:  10 Great Books For (Traumatizing) Children.  I mean, yikes, serious yikes, but that’s still some insightful (and messed up) hilarity.