Author of the Queen City Boys books


one of those/a case of the Mondays

I’m having a Day already.  Now I’m just sitting around waiting for the mechanic to call and tell me how much money I am about to hemorrhage into my car.  I have succeeded in not bursting into tears at problems I can’t control. However the postman just delivered a huge box of chocolate chip cookies homemade by one of my aunts.  And that, my friends, was enough to make me cry. And I’m having cookies for lunch.  Who can blame me?

Libelle pointed out several times this weekend that it is still technically spring but since I am horribly sunburned and covered in bug bites I am going to go ahead and call it summer in Tennessee.

So mere seconds ago I was pausing in typing, thinking hard about positive things I could post about (besides cookies and wonderful family members) and then I spilled coffee on my new shirt while I was thinking.  I’m just going to go ahead and call today a total fail.  Anything bad that happens from here on out is a given.  Anything good is a bonus. Ugh.

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just like they said it would be

So I got my temporary tooth today.  Hurrah.  I think it’s kind of uncomfortable.  I have to wear it for a couple days and then go get it adjusted.  My mouth right now is damn numb, so I’m actually fairly unsure about how the thing fits.  What I do know is that you’d never know it wasn’t my tooth. It’s maybe a little lighter than my other teeth and looks oddly crooked, which is to say it looks exactly like the tooth that was there before. So that’s good. I’ve got two more dentist visits, then wait 90 days, then go back again for a check up, then get the bridge put in.  I just figured out today that since the bridge amounts to three fake teeth (two crowns to support the bridge and the fake tooth) that my lower teeth will look WAY better, since they can make the fake teeth look much better than my real ones.  Something to look forward too. Yay.

I’ve been having sinus trouble this spring.  Allergies, I guess, but it seems to be much worse on storm days, right before the storm comes in.  As if perhaps I am over sensitive to barometric pressure.  Right now my sinuses feel stuffy to extent that my ears feel plugged.  The right side of my face is numb all the way to my cheekbone and back to my ear.  And novocaine is awful for me.  It makes me ache and very very umcomfortable in this hard to explain way as it wears off.  The nice dentist told me Advil would help, but mostly I just feel incredibly yucky today.  And apparently very whiny.  Which, I guess, given everything, is fair. The dentist did give me a purple toothbrush.  Which is funny since she didn’t let me choose but I would have chosen purple.  She didn’t give me toys anything though. Still everyone in her office is so nice it’s okay.  Really, best dentist’s office ever.

I am quite literally weeks behind in life.  So not caught up.  Giving myself the day off again though.  My mouth feels just too awful for me to concentrate.  Maybe after it un-numbs a little and I can eat something, I’ll try and get it together.  I might work on a little sewing.  Or might just lay here ont he couch trying to fall asleep and watching episodes of Supernatural on DVD.


come again some other day

Week beginning May 7
Copyright 2009 by Rob Brezsny

TAURUS (April 20-May 20):  In recent decades, many British people with unfortunate surnames have changed them. There are now 40 percent fewer Shufflebottoms, while the numbers of Cockshotts and Smellies have also declined precipitously. Meanwhile, back in the U.S., the government has re-branded its notorious Global War on Terror, shifting to the more palatable “Overseas Contingency Operation.” I hold these examples up for your inspiration, Taurus. It’s a good time to alter any name or title you’ve outgrown, as well as any label that no longer fits or any category you’d like to leave behind.

Truly I take my Free Will Astrology way too seriously, but I think this one will require a lot of meditation this week.

Birthday aside, I’ve had an emotionally rough time the past week or so. It isn’t quite past but I’m fine, really, I just need time to adjust yet another change in my worldview.  On the other hand, Libelle really is the best friend ever.  She deserves some sort of award for sitting up with me late at night and making me laugh and laugh when I would otherwise just be sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

The rain isn’t helping.  We’ve broken rainfall records around the area in the past few days, but it’s more than that.  It’s the unrelenting grey.  I’m sure you think I should be able to to take 6+ days of grey, since I am from the PNW, but I’ve lost that skill.  I’m not sure I can remember more than 3 or 4 days in row like this since I moved to TN.  Plus it isn’t just grey, it’s really, seriously raining. And since everyone knows I am from Seattle people keeping saying to me, “hey, this is just like Seattle weather, huh?”  And no, no, no, no it isn’t.  It is grey there.  And wet.  But it just doesn’t rain so consistently hard there.  The temps are different, the air is different.  The sky is different.  There is no marine layer here.  It, in fact, isn’t like Seattle weather at all.  Seattle makes me feel mossy and chilly.  This weather makes me feel like a tropical amphibian. A cranky, lethargic tropical amphibian.


grumpy yellow dress dream

I had a very long detailed dream about high school last night.  I dreamt I went back to visit with another former classmate (who also lives in TN and doesn’t actually exist in real life), and everyone who had attended the school while I was there was also visiting.  I saw all my classmates and old teachers (they looked very old in my dream, but were all teaching the same classes).  Then we went to watch the school production of West Side Story and I talked to all the new students about how they liked it.  It was very intense on details, like the conversations with old classmates and teachers were very spot on and filled with details of those teachers that I haven’t thought about in years.  It’s hard to believe that high school was fully half my life ago.

And upon waking I realized that my birthday is two weeks away.  I haven’t done my usual 30 (or 60) day countdown to the event this year.  Truthfully, I just feel kind of meh about it.   I have low expectations, so it’s not like I’ll be disappointed or anything.  It’s more about just being older.  Not that I am old by any stretch, rather this birthday seems like a marker and by my own measure I haven’t yet achieved what I feel I should have by this marker.  It’s just kind of depressing.  Blah.

I assume I am somehow projecting this blahness I feel because recently a couple friends have asked if I’m okay in way that seems to indicate they have reason to be concerned.  I was pretty sure that to all outside appearences I am as I always am (sort of an amalgam of cheerful, chipper, pissed off, tired, friendly and ice princessy–yes, I am a contradiction), but maybe not?  Maybe everyone is very concerned about me for reasons I don’t even know?  Maybe I need more coffee before I try and think/explain things like this?

In conclusion, I think posting a link the other day wasn’t enough, so just in case you missed it (or didn’t), here is the lovely toddler fairy dress again:

0091Is it wrong that I wish I could wear little yellow sundresses with fairies on them?  I mean, I could, I guess, I’d just look very eccentric.  Now I will get on with my day thnking about daffodil dresses, fairies and sunshine, even if there is no sun shining in Nashville today (damn it all too, blue skies would go a long way to cheering me up).


dark and stormy mood

I am agitated and utterly out of sorts today.  I have the peculiar underlying anxiety that I think maybe always comes up when storms are rolling in  (need more data to make sure this is fact).  My routine was severely disrupted this morning.  And while I can do fine with some routine upset, it really threw me off today.  Also I had long elaborate dreams about the apocalypse last night  That always puts me off my feed as well.  To so sum up: lost routine, storms a’comin’, bad bad dreams.  Okay, well now that I’ve written that down, it’s no wonder I’m barely functional today.  The question is, how do I set myself right?

My options are:

  • get out work to-do list and panic over it until I cry
  • paint my toenails and watch a movie
  • get back in PJs, back in bed and read until it’s time to get ready for work
  • pick around and find an unfinished craft project and finish it for the satisfaction of it
  • sit and stare



I just spent two hours running errands.  I’m half tempted to write an insane, long rant about people’s inability to drive on the freeway in Nashville.  I will instead, try to remain smiling and forget the whole episode.

While I was out I got a bias tape maker in a wider size.  I will now work very hard to get everything else I need to do done before I spend the rest of the day making bias tape.  I don’t even need bias tape immediately for anything, I just suddenly want to make lots of it in patterns and bright colors.

This weekend I did a little refashioning.  Turning an oddly sized long-sleeved blouse into a much cuter, better fitted short-sleeved blouse.  I forgot to take a before picture, but this gives you the general idea of what I removed:

I also made a sewing set on my Flickr, which has a few more details on this and some past projects as well.

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whiny mcwhinypants

I woke up this morning feeling vile.  Nauseous, overheated and a little dizzy.  I feel a little better now.  I finally ate some very bland breakfast and am now back in bed.  It’s cold.  Cold outside, cold in my house.  I feel yucky.  And most the work I need to do today is from the laptop anyway.  I wish working from bed felt decadent and wonderful, but mostly it feels lazy and pathetic.


my kingdom for a peaceful night

What I may want most in the world right now is a decent night’s sleep.  My criteria for this are: waking up less than 3 times in a night, sleeping for a total of more than 6 hours, having only good or neutral dreams.

I have been sleeping in short, unsatisfying bursts, plagued by really horrible, stressful dreams. It’s a hideously self perpetuating cycle too.  I sleep less, I drink more coffee, more coffee means less quality sleep.  I have bad dreams and wake up unhappy, thus I can’t concentrate and I do poorer quality work, which causes more stress, which causes more dreams.

Okay, now that I have been as pathetic as possible, if I ask for help, will you help me?  Heh.  Actually the two things really aren’t related, but I do need a little help.

If anyone has a few minutes, here and there, over the next week or so, I could really use some feedback on the new music website I am putting together and some of it’s features.  Mostly this just means clicking around a little a reporting back to me.  It might also mean contributing opinions about some aspects of the site.  If you can help, please email me or reply here, and I’ll be in touch.

Now I will go drink a gallon more coffee, and try and get some work done.


it hurts, I hear

I am trying very hard to remain cheerfully optimistic today. My biggest stumbling blocks are hormones (nothing like simply being a girl to make one insane) and my ears.  My previous, possibly unrelated, ear problems have cleared up, but my ears still really, really hurt. A doctor’s visit informs me that I have no signs of infection in my ears or my sinuses, but that there is inflammation in my sinuses (and by association my eustachian tubes) and a consequence of this is way too much fluid in my ears.

They gave me a corticosteroid nasal inhaler.  I swear it smells like roses.  Recent conversations with a couple friends seem to indicate that this may not be true, and I may, in fact, be crazy.  But to me it smells like roses. I have taken this as a ‘wake up and smell the roses’ sign, which is very closely related to ‘stop and notice the color purple.’

So I will take a deep breath (to the best of my ability while my head is painfully pressurized), try and relax, take things as they come, and remember to put back out into the universe what I want to get out of it.  I will be stronger and more resolute and not the weepy, tragic mess I have been since Sunday.  Neither hormones nor headaches will get the best of me.

Still, I might go take a nap before I have to go to work.


I can’t believe that just happened

Days ago I wrote that I wasn’t going to complain about recent happenings.  And really, I am past complaining, well in to the ‘all one can do is laugh’ stage.

So I had a series of small mishaps yesterday.  And then Ladybug came home.  She closed the door behind her.  In a normal, non-violent way.  She took a step into the house and the glass shattered in the front door. Those of you who have been here will recall that most of the entire front door is glass.

I called the landlord and did my best to explain that it just broke.  That we weren’t playing indoor hockey, or fighting with redneck, half-toothed boyfriends or anything.  It just broke.

This month, the glass just broke along with the fridge, the dryer, the deep freeze, Ladybug’s windshield and my car.  And the pipes, the water heater, the neon sign and the ice machine at work.  Not to mention countless tiny problems in communication and household things.

Now I’m not saying nothing good has happened recently, because good things certainly have happened, but you’d have to do some pretty serious convincing to prove to me that there’s balance in the universe right now.  But I am thinking positively.  I mean, we must be generating a serious stockpile of good luck right now.

And really, I guess I’m not explaining the complexity of each situation.  For instance, while taping cardboard over the door (to keep the 30 degree temps out until boards could be put up), I tried to cut out a bit of the cardboard around the lock (you know, so we could still use the door) and the scissors completely broke in my hand.  As I rushed off, late for work, leaving poor Ladybug to finish taping up the cardboard, the packing tape dispenser completely broke in her hand (we couldn’t even find the duct tape).  With each new, small disaster, things have gone much the same.  As if it isn’t enough for something to break, it has to also be unusually complicated to deal with after it has broken.

And so once again begins a day when I would like to set out and run some errands but am, instead, sitting around waiting for someone to come fix something that is broken.  I have plenty of work to do here, I guess, but really I am too agitated to focus.  I suspect I won’t feel calm in my house until I have a front door again.  Nor will I be going anywhere.  I’ll just sit here feeling anxious and stressy.  Maybe I should have some more coffee.

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Turning my life around

I woke up a new woman this morning. Everything was different. Okay, well really all I did was flip my room around, so I woke up on the other side of the bed. But it feels strange, new, and a little exciting.

As I was sitting in bed reading the other night, I was sudden struck about how much I stick to one side of the bed. I mean it’s my bed, I sleep alone and yet I don’t sleep in the middle of the bed. And I will probably never sleep in the middle of the bed, but I can change it up. So I flipped the chair and the lamp and the bedside table and last night slept on the other side. Quelle différence!!  Now no one can say, “Looks like someone slept on the wrong side of the bed,” when I am cranky.  I swear it is definitely the right side of the bed.  At least it’s right as you face the bed.  Left if I’m in it.  But it’s still right.  HA!

It is sunny and lovely today. I was going to complain about the shitty problems and complications of the last few days, of the last month, but you know what? I’m not. I’m going to rally. I’m going to have a good day and a good year and everything is going to be a-okay.

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up up up and down

The weekend was sort of a mixed bag.  On the one hand it was incredibly fun. 9 band boys staying at the house, getting to see them play and then later watching one of them literally loose his shirt playing dice with the others.  Good times.  Really good times.  However the deep freeze died, the dryer died and my car needs $400 worth of work.  And of course I don’t have money for any of those things, so I guess I am going to find a way to sell my soul or something.  Ugh.  So yes, fun, but now I am all stressed out and exhausted.


Book grump

I often pull a book off a shelf in a book store, carefully read the entire cover and inside flaps and then decide if I want to read it.  I don’t generally read reviews or other stuff first.  So it is incredibly disappointing to make it almost to the very end of a book and find out that it is the first in a trilogy and that that the first book resolves nothing.

This is okay if I know going in it’s trilogy and have all the other books on hand.  But not so much when I’m pausing five pages before the end and getting on Amazon to try and get the other books.  The last of which isn’t even published yet.  ARG.

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the train of thought rambles on ever so lamely

I wish I had a lot of candy to eat. Peppermint nougats. Chocolate covered peanuts.  Dark chocolate covered dried cherries. Those tiny ice cream bites covered in chocolate. Nom nom nom nom.  Alas I have, um, hmmmm, let’s see, some pocky left that I should save and, uh, sweet pickled ginger.  Not satisfying.  Though not fattening I guess.

I want to sew crazy covers for things, like heating pads and pillows and, um, anything you could possibly slip-cover. I am clearly becoming an old lady very quickly.

I am super excited about the impending Seattle/Portland visit (nine days away!!) but kind of anxious too.  I know I’ve only bothered to contact two friends to see while I am there, and I do feel a little guilty about that.  Alas I had to make sacrifices and I just can’t fit that much in this time that isn’t family.  And indeed the two people I am trying to make plans with really are family more than anything.  Oh man, and I need to pack.  And finish gift shopping.  And generally freak out for bit before it’s time to go home and visit.

I am really tired.  I could probably go to sleep right now.  Instead I am drinking endless cups of tea, typing and watching incredibly shitty movies. Tired, so tired, and yet I can’t even get it together to go to bed.  Bed would be so nice.  I could have a heating pad on achy bits and more tea, and I could read and snuggle under the giant fluffy blankets. And still here I am, on the couch, with the laptop and shitty TV.  No, I don’t what’s wrong with me, other than that I can’t even do the right thing for myself even when I know what the right thing is.

I do have a lot of projects and things I could be working on.  Except I am too tired.  You know, I just don’t like Sunday nights.  They are the loneliest and when I feel like this I just can’t do enough to distract myself.  I should just go to bed.  Tell me again why I am not there.

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Tears of frustration

I might just go back to bed and stay there until tomorrow.  Seriously nothing works for me today.  I’m in the middle of trying to fix the tension on my sewing machine.  It should work, everything is set right, changed threads and bobbins and cleaned it and oiled it and it just will not stitch right.  I’m so frustrated that I am about to cry.  In the middle of it Miss Sparkle sends me a text message asking if Mercury is in Retrograde. The answer is no, but yet everything does feel funky.  So I take a deep breath and head out to check the mail.

Apparently the USPS doesn’t work either as there is a package, something I ordered, that is just an empty envelope in plastic bag.  The envelope is stamped “received without contents” and plastic bag has a little note apologizing for damaging my mail, but claiming it isn’t their fault because they deliver so much mail every day that of course accidents happen.  The envelope itself is not at all damaged.  It appears to have been opened and resealed, but not torn or bent or anything else.

So now, do I go back to bed and just say fuck today?  Do I load the sewing machine into the car and drive through the pouring rain to have it adjusted?  Do I send an irate letter to the USPS, or just beg the original company to replace my items, even though the loss was clearly the fault of the post office?

I’m seriously leaning toward making tea, watching the Tomb Raider movies and pretending the rest of the world doesn’t exist.

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today my crankypants also itch

There’s about 2 to 3 months in the late summer/autumn in Tennessee where I do pay attention to the weather forecast at all.  It’s just pretty good no matter what the weather is.  The same in the spring/early summer.  In the height of summer I obsessively check it hoping to get a break from the heat.  This time of year I check hoping for some magical very warm day.  Ugh.  Cold snap hit a couple days ago and it feels more like late December or January than November.  BRRRRRRR.

YAY!!!  After a day of intensive, obsessive checking, my Gmail has themes!!  HURRAH!

So the anti-secular wingnuts know that ‘holiday’ means ‘holy day’ right?  I mean is there problem with people saying ‘happy holidays’ rather than ‘merry christmas’ that is doesn’t contain a reference to Christ? Or are they all just ignorant asshats who expect people to be respectful of their beliefs but cannot be respectful of other folks’?

Also, since we are on the subject of the impending holidays: Dear Santa, please bring me a cute boy who is a good kisser and is not married, gay or made entirely of insecurities and commitment issues.

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weak sauce

I inadvertently made very weak coffee this morning that tastes strangely of soap.  UGH.  How hard is it to make more coffee? Not very.  Why am I not doing that?  Hmm, very lazy.

Work was miserably busy last night.  I’m sure no one reading this needs this public service announcement but… If you want to go out to dinner with 30+ of your friends, go to Olive Garden.  Sure it’s not the greatest, but they are equipped to deal with you.  Do not go to the cute local restaurant that only seats 60.  If you must go to a tiny place, either rent the entire place out, or be very clear about the size of your party.  If you are bringing 28 guests, do not make a reservation for 17 people.  Also if you bring more than your reservation, do not complain when we tell you that there are literally no more chairs in the restaurant.

Okay, time to stop reading pointless things on the internets and go get dressed and do the 623 things I feel guilty about not having done yesterday.


mail, victims rights and damn I’m hungry

I have a peculiar loathing for shipping companies.  With the old USPS you send stuff and eventually it gets there, or it doesn’t.  You check your mail box and there is stuff in it, or there isn’t. But now that FedEx and UPS and their ilk are all online it’s become this maddening, bizarrely ritualistic, crazy waiting period to get your package.  First you start checking the online tracking, continually refreshing to see if it’s anywhere new. And what do you get? Usually that the thing has gone 3 miles in the first two days, or there are no updates at all, and then suddenly it’s gone from Seattle to Louisville in 6 hours and is already halfway to your house.  Or, as has happened to me, it shows arrival in your city, ‘out for delivery’ and then six hours later it’s suddenly on it’s way to Atlanta, and then back to you, taking 2 days longer than the original out for delivery notice.  WTF?  And then once it is out for delivery all one can do is check the damn porch every 20 minutes.  Well at least at my house.  I have a good (and pretty cute) UPS guy.  He knows me and my neighbors.  He delivers to my job as well.  He waves when we drive past each other in other parts of the neighborhood.  He always gets my packages to me. However he doesn’t always work.  I’ve had drivers knock on my door and in the time it takes me to get from my couch to the door (about 6 feet), the driver is already back in their truck and there is notice stuck to the door saying they couldn’t deliver the package without a signature.  ARG.

Hi.  Guess what I am doing this morning? Yep, waiting for an ‘out for delivery’ package. Which should contain my new phone.  So I can lose the rest of my day setting up the new phone and messing with it.  Good times.

I was an hour late for court the other day.  They acted like it wasn’t a big deal, like the difference was between me waiting in the hall to testify for 20 minutes vs. an hour and 20 minutes.  It was a hearing to get the guys who robbed me tried as adults (they are 17, I think).  They aren’t, as far as I understand it, trying them for robbing me, rather they got caught in other crimes, with fingerprints, and they established that their fingerprints matched the prints on my car.  So I go in, get sworn in.  They ask where I work, what happened on the night of blah blah blah.  And if I know anyone by [redacted] name. No, I don’t.  Could I please look to my left and behind me and say if I recognize any one of the defendants as a friend or acquaintance who would have had reason to touch my car.  Ugh, all four kids were right there (two robbed me, four were involved in the other crime I guess, and no, I didn’t realize they were in the courtroom, as it was laid out really weird).  I said, no, I didn’t know any of them.  And that was pretty much it.  They said I could stay and watch the rest of the proceedings, but I bolted.  And I am still very uncomfortable about it.  Here’s the thing, I did not have the option to testify, I was subpoenaed and (very very mildly) threatened that I had to testify.  They put me in a courtroom with the perpetrators, and their families and girlfriends and then asked me to give my full name (including spelling it) and tell where I worked and what hours.  So you know, if some one wanted to retaliate against me, it would be pretty fucking easy for them to find me.  And while I find that scenario highly unlikely (since they already knew where I worked anyway), I assume that there are no victims rights advocates in the Tennessee system.  I think people have probably been put in very very very bad situations because of this very textbook, very impersonal judicial system.  Ugh, I’m not sure I’m stating this right, just I think the whole thing was pretty fucked up, and I am unhappy with how it all went and I doubt the system is going to do anything at all for these kids besides make them prisoners and probably worse more desperate criminals in the future.  And oh, UGH, after I typed this up I read this.  Man, Tennessee, I love you, I really do, but seriously you fucking suck in so many ways.

The rain seems to be delaying both the UPS guy and the regular mail.  I am going to stop peeking through my curtains like an insane old lady and go watch Bruce Lee movies and make lunch.


LL Neck Pain (no actually we don’t)

I am voluntarily watching Martha Stewart. My neck still hurts and I am unhappy. But! Martha? Has LL Cool J on!!! And they are making sugar skulls for Dia De Los Muertos!! Seriously, like best thing ever.  Because you know I love Day of the Dead stuff and I am a lady and Ladies Love Cool James.  Ha!  Right after I typed that Martha was just all, “Ladies love…”  And he looked slightly abashed, and said it could also be “Love Life Cool James” which amuses me because it’s kind of like a commandment from God. Heh.

My neck is 50% better today, which is to say 75% better than Sunday and thus should be fine tomorrow, but the still  hurting is SUCKY.  I do not like pain. It is sneaky and mean and should be taken away forever and ever.

Despite the pain and tons of whining, I went last night, when a friend called me, to be ‘background texture’ in a music video shoot.  I think I’ll only be in it for split second, but it was all simultaneously fun, boring and interesting to take part in.


whiny mcwhinerson

Song for today, for Rhi, for everything: Migraine Months – Cameron McGill (click to download). Yesterday I woke up, rolled over, stretched and then wrenched my neck in some impossible way. I think I pinched a nerve int here somewhere. Spent the morning alternating hot and cold packs with hight does of painkillers and got it down to manageable. I slept alright. I had to wake up to roll over carefully, but was able to find pain-free positions. Today I am 55% better which is to say just annoyed, discomforted and hurty, rather than miserable, and in excruciating pain. I hate getting older. Shit like this didn’t happen when I was younger.

Yesterday Ladybug and I carefully cleaned out our closets, packed away summer clothes and pulled out sweaters. Which was not as fun as it should have been because of the neck. but it’s done and still I am ambivalent about autumn. I never felt this way on the west coast. Maybe fall is only lonely out east, or in Tennessee. I don’t know. Then last night we watched The Nanny Diaries (depressing, not funny, nor romantic and generally full of unlikeable characters, blech) and Penelope (wonderful, sweet, quite funny in parts).

Saturday we went to the huge flea market at the fairgrounds with my pal, CT. We were getting ideas for decorating his house. I think I have good ideas, so now I just need to figure out how to execute them on the cheap. Also CT was wearing his new glasses that I picked out for him. He looks great, super cool, but I’m not sure he’s adjusted to it yet.

This morning I was walking through the neighborhood, admiring fall, and the weird timeless quality East Nashville seems to have some times. I tried to grab a shot with my camera phone but it doesn’t lok good, then I remembered walking along the exact same street last year, the same melancholy fall mood, and taking pictures. So here are last year’s pictures, of the same street, they look much like today does: