Ajax Bell

Author of the Queen City Boys books

sunlight deficit disorder

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Blogging is such a weird thing.  It is clearly screaming for attention.  I mean, if we didn’t want attention, then we would just write all this stuff on paper, in a little notebook, like we used to do back in the Dark Ages.  But on the other hand, I feel a constant push-pull about having an audience, or rather knowing who my audience is.  I find that as time goes on I censor myself, worried what my readers will think, or trying to conform to some persona that I think they expect from me.  I don’t want to do this.  Like of course I’m never really going to talk explicitly about sex, or even romance in this space, because I’m just not that person. But I find occasionally I am limiting even how I react to things.  Ugh.  So yes, I am going to try and stop this.  I mean, really, what am I worried about?  Am I going to shock people?  Are people going to think differently of me?  Am I going to reveal too much of who I am? And so what?  I’m smart, I’m funny, and gosh darn it, people like me.  Heh.

It’s January, which in my mind means that winter is over and I am just counting down some arbitrary number of days until spring starts.  It’s like my personal creation of cold weather limbo.  I’ve rejected the idea of winter. And yet the weather is not cooperating with my aspirations. The recent grey, grim rains haven’t improved the sense of being in purgatory.  Though admittedly when the sun does appear it makes me kind of ecstatic, and I mean that very specifically in the rapturous, having fits kind of way. Light therapy, indeed.

I’d really love to learn to not stress myself out.  I can identify the factors.  I take on too much work, I set unreasonable deadlines, I screw around until the last minute even when the deadline is reasonable, I beat myself up when I don’t finish my insane task list.  I’m starting to wonder if I shouldn’t just stop obsessing over changing how I do things and instead just restructure things and make them work better for me.

Of course some things should stop.  Like right now I’m blathering on about this and watching Eric Stoltz movies when I should be either sewing, or editing, or writing or coding.  Huh, yeah, I should get on those things.  So later I’m not freaking about not having done them. Clearly the answer here is for some sort of fairy, or small gnomish creature, to follow me around, keep me on task and reward me when I’m done. That definitely seems like the most reasonable plan.

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