Ajax Bell

Author of the Queen City Boys books

moving on down that broken, unsteady, rough road

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Breaking up is always shitty.  Sometimes it’s worse than others.  Worst when you get what amounts to a ‘it’s not you it’s me’ from some one you were really, really into. Blah blah blah blah it takes time to get over it.  And hey, I’m very patient person, but waiting for the pain to pass is one of the things I just can’t abide.  I’ve done two days of not getting dressed or showering.  Taking pills to sleep so I don’t lay awake crying and wondering what is wrong with me.  All the dishes are done.  Laundry done and put away. MP3s tagged and sorted.  Computer files cleaned and organized.  Tons of crap food eaten.  The blinds are hung on the porch.  The trash is out.  Tons of bad TV and movies watched.  Yes, any time is way too long to fuck off.  And yet, two days isn’t enough.  But then a week isn’t enough, a month isn’t enough.  So I stop at two days.  Get back to life, back on the horse, oh fuck me, but it’s got to be done.  And sure yeah, maybe I’ll get over it faster if I’m busy.  Maybe not.  I’m torn between obsessively throwing myself into work and ignoring everything else.  Or.  What?  I don’t know.  Throw screaming temper tantrums at the universe for being unfair?  Pout, mope and generally be unpleasent and unbearable to be around?  Meditate on what lesson I can take from this?  Ugh.  Work it is.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  My horoscope for today:

Creativity and the more enjoyable side of life are going to be a central feature for you for awhile. Let details take care of themselves and take the time to enjoy yourself and stretch out both at work and play. When something feels right, whether it be a new idea or the opportunity to just have a good time, roll with the feeling and don’t put on the brakes.

If that isn’t a license to dress slutty and drink whiskey then I don’t know what is.

I think the most horrible part of breaking up is how you don’t realize that you spend all day mentally cataloging things that you want to tell that person.  As  soon as you can’t tell them anymore, you can’t seem to stop coming up with things to tell them. It’s like this constant reminder of what you’ve lost.

I’ve eaten now, and finished my coffee.  So I will go shower and dress.  I will finish the work I didn’t do yesterday, go to lunch with the divine Miss M.  I will do even more work this afternoon and then it’s off to the restaurant.  I will not think about the break up for as long as I can because I am so tired of crying, I just don’t want to do it anymore.  I will concentrate on how awesome my friends are.  And work.  And trying to crush down the loneliness so at least it only feels numb.

Song for the day: Colin Hay – Storm in My Heart (click to download)

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