Ajax Bell

Author of the Queen City Boys books

Self-indulgence you can just skip

12 Comments

This weekend would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. I don’t regret getting married, getting divorced or any of my choices, really. But it feels weird to think about, I guess in a kind of road-not-taken way.

Five years ago I was a little full of regrets and thinking maybe I’d made the wrong choice, my life could have better if we could have worked it out, etc. But now, no way. Given the path he took, I expect had I stayed with him, I’d still be living in that crappy little town, working some soul killing job for the State and given how much I had to drink to tolerate Oly, I’d probably have developed some secret drug habit by now, become the orginal valiumed up housewife who drinks a bottle of wine a night refuses sex based on headaches. Or perhaps he needed me to motivate him in a way his young new wife doesn’t. Perhaps if I stayed we’d have escaped O-town, gone to LA or NYC and made tons of money, hung out with terrible bands and both developed awful cocaine habits and still hated each other. Hmm, no, mostly likely we would have moved to Portland, ended up taking over his parent’s business and been vaguely uneasy, mildly unhappy and too busy to ever really discuss it with each other. He’d spend evenings playing pool in topless clubs and I’d be on the phone with my friends wondering where I went wrong, but too lazy, too settled to do anything to change my life.

Still given all that, and how horrible he was post-divorce, I miss him a little. By the time we were getting divorced we’d been friends for half my life. And while I can’t be sure, as math skills and memory impede, I think maybe this year we’ve been apart as many years as we were together. It doesn’t hurt. I’m not lonely, miserable, unhappy or full of regrets, but I thought maybe it’d feel different now. Like I wouldn’t think about it anymore. Like maybe I could get through a Labor Day weekend without listening to the song, without thinking about it, without remembering the bad times with the good ones. Clearly that time is not here yet. Though I feel relieved that I no longer wonder if I’ll find happiness or anything foolish like that. I feel more relaxed than I ever have at this time of year–my divorce was finalized on the Tuesday after Labor Day, and I was married on Labor Day weekend, so all my crap about it can be tied up neatly at one time of year. I am grateful it wasn’t also my birthday or Christmas or something. I am glad it’s all over. Thrilled to be who I am today, where I am today. To be moving forward, even if I can’t help but look over my shoulder a little from time to time.

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12 thoughts on “Self-indulgence you can just skip

  1. OMG. I totally forgot that this past Thursday was my 10th wedding anniversary!

    You, me and Diana all did this in the same exact week! Got married ten years ago, and are now all divorced. Weird.

  2. How did I know that that was “the” song even before I looked? weird, that. *looks for CD* I always have to listen to that song at this time of year, and sometimes I end up forgetting and then I just feel a little off for a few days. Obviously, I have different reasons for that song than you do, cuz I didn’t marry the poop, you did, but the song is still important.

    I know you don’t have any regrets, but, just in case you are hiding some regrets that you’re not telling us about, don’t. He was an important part of your life and helped to make you who you are. Not just your marriage to him, but all the years before that. Anyway, my opint is that he’s a poop and you’re not and I love you, so there. Take care of yourself these next few days. You know where to find me if you need me.

  3. To be moving forward, even if I can’t help but look over my shoulder a little from time to time.

    I totally agree with that, and I’m so glad you’re happy with where you are now. *hugs*

  4. yup, every year i break out the goodness cd & i always think of you. you know what i think about your ex, so no need to get into that here. 🙂 i have so much love, and so much respect for you. you rock.

  5. I never would skip anything you wrote from the heart. I’ll have to give these a listen later.

  6. *hugs*

    I’m glad you’re who you are today too, or I wouldn’t have met you. But I know precisely what you mean. On all counts.

  7. Gah, I resent the suggestion of secret regrets. I mean, really, D. wasn’t so bad, all in all, maybe it could have worked out, but we both know if it had I would have eventually murdered him and hid his body for being such a motherfucking, whiny ass momma’s boy.

    So, uh, wow, no regrets, but perhaps a little anger still. Damn. Also it occurs to me that using motherfucking and momma’s boy in the same sentence is kind of squicky. Bleh.

  8. Well, dude, if I’d never gotten married, I’d never have gotten you all dressed up all shiny and pretty. See it was all ploy to see you all combed out and cleaned up. I love you so much I make HUGE sacrifices. HAHAHAHA.

  9. Perhaps that wasn’t a good week to get married? Heh.

  10. Ewww! *scrapes images from brain* That’s yucky! Thanks for that thought.

    Well, I don’t have anything fun to say today. So, I am going to go be all crampy and cranky someplace else, and then go to work. Yay.

  11. I enjoyed this entry, even if you did have to talk about icky feelings and such to write it.

  12. 😀 thank you for saving me from myself!

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