This weekend would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. I don’t regret getting married, getting divorced or any of my choices, really. But it feels weird to think about, I guess in a kind of road-not-taken way.
Five years ago I was a little full of regrets and thinking maybe I’d made the wrong choice, my life could have better if we could have worked it out, etc. But now, no way. Given the path he took, I expect had I stayed with him, I’d still be living in that crappy little town, working some soul killing job for the State and given how much I had to drink to tolerate Oly, I’d probably have developed some secret drug habit by now, become the orginal valiumed up housewife who drinks a bottle of wine a night refuses sex based on headaches. Or perhaps he needed me to motivate him in a way his young new wife doesn’t. Perhaps if I stayed we’d have escaped O-town, gone to LA or NYC and made tons of money, hung out with terrible bands and both developed awful cocaine habits and still hated each other. Hmm, no, mostly likely we would have moved to Portland, ended up taking over his parent’s business and been vaguely uneasy, mildly unhappy and too busy to ever really discuss it with each other. He’d spend evenings playing pool in topless clubs and I’d be on the phone with my friends wondering where I went wrong, but too lazy, too settled to do anything to change my life.
Still given all that, and how horrible he was post-divorce, I miss him a little. By the time we were getting divorced we’d been friends for half my life. And while I can’t be sure, as math skills and memory impede, I think maybe this year we’ve been apart as many years as we were together. It doesn’t hurt. I’m not lonely, miserable, unhappy or full of regrets, but I thought maybe it’d feel different now. Like I wouldn’t think about it anymore. Like maybe I could get through a Labor Day weekend without listening to the song, without thinking about it, without remembering the bad times with the good ones. Clearly that time is not here yet. Though I feel relieved that I no longer wonder if I’ll find happiness or anything foolish like that. I feel more relaxed than I ever have at this time of year–my divorce was finalized on the Tuesday after Labor Day, and I was married on Labor Day weekend, so all my crap about it can be tied up neatly at one time of year. I am grateful it wasn’t also my birthday or Christmas or something. I am glad it’s all over. Thrilled to be who I am today, where I am today. To be moving forward, even if I can’t help but look over my shoulder a little from time to time.