Author of the Queen City Boys books

through the looking glass


I’m tired in weird kind of way. It’s not the heat or anything. I just not having a place to live is wearing on me. We found a place. It’s great. But it’s not like we can move intomorrow cause we have all these other things to do and even after that there’s still the actual moving part, schlepping boxes, finding strong boys to lug heavy things up to the apartment etc., setting up the furniture. It feels endless.

And I love being here. Jed and Brad have and amazing home and I love them, but I hate imposing on people, it makes me feel like I’m in the way no matter how kind, and gracious and generous the hosts are (and our hosts have those things in spades).

I love East Nashville though. I was just worrying outloud to Miss K if we’d still be able to hear the trains at our new place (I hope so it’s only like six blocks from here). I LOVE the trains sounds, it’s so settling and comforting to me, plus you can sort of time your day on it. I don’t know, for me it’s definitely part of what makes this place so amazing.

Nashville overall still seems overwhelming and weird. No one here seems to know how to drive. i can’t get over some of the shit people pull on the road. And every one seems either really genuinely nice or vaguely, in tangibly hostile. Though, thankfully, the scales seem to tip toward the nice side.

And of course the train sounds and the lightning bugs make up for anything wrong here. It’s definitely very very different than Seattle. I feel a little homesick, though not stongly so, just that weird way you when you’re travelling for a long time and everything is new, great and different, but you miss the sense of having someplace to go quietly settle down and read and not have think about where you’re going to get food, or what your plan is or anything. Maybe it’s not so much homesick as missing having an actual home. I’m sure the real homesick will come though.

Talking to my mom makes me so sad. She’s been so CHEERFUL through all this and it feels, even over the phone like she’s putting on a brave face and I hate that I made her have to do that. But I still think I did the nest thing for me. So far, despite whatever obstacles, things are going pretty much as I’d hoped they would. I think when I finally have my own bed set up in my own room I will get in it and sleep for a day, a week, a month until I can make my peculiar tireness go away.

Blah blah blah also huge excitement, bands, shows, a new place to decorate. I can’t believe I really did this. I definitely do feel really much stronger and much more capable of doing anything than I did when I set out.

Author: Ajax Bell

Seattle author. Stops to smell the flowers. Amateur nerd (I wanna go pro but I haven't found anyone to pay me). Humble hippo enthusiast. queer/bi. they/them.

12 thoughts on “through the looking glass

  1. I know the feeling you’re describing so, so well. It’s an odd state, not pleasant, but weirdly privileged. It gives you a perspective you lose when you settle, and you should (my advice!) get as much out of it as you can by just keeping your eyes open and *learning*

    …And then go read a book in bed, until you feel snuggly and safe again 😉

    Am so proud of you!!!!!! (and i love that you found time to post about the hot jensen pics earlier, hee)

  2. Girl, you KNOW I have been there, a million times over. The weirdest was moving back here, since it’s like HOME home but I also hadn’t been here in 10 years and everything changed!

    I was pretty homesick for the PNW when I got to Savannah, but that waxed and waned quite a bit (usually depending on how freaking HOT it was outside!)

    This is going to be one of the best experiences you’ll ever have; finally discovering who you are independant of locale!

    And congrats on the new place! Post PIX of course.

  3. And of course the train sounds and the lightning bugs make up for anything wrong here.

    Welcome to the eastern side of the country! I have no idea what ‘the south’ is like, but east of the Mississippi I know. Leaving your windows open to hear the trains rattling along the tracks on summer nights. That will always sound like home to me. Maybe it will to you in time.

    Don’t let the real homesickness hit yet. I hope you get to enjoy the excitement for a little while first!

    Pass along some of that excitement to get to decorate along to me. I can’t seem to care enough to want to give decorating a try yet.

  4. *hugs* Moving across the country really is a scary thing. But also a lot of fun.

  5. I am proud, excited and jealous that you were able to make this move. You ladies are so lucky to have found a place that sounds good so quickly! I can’t wait to see it!

  6. Trains…yes. I love that we can hear them. I just wish Knoxville had an actual train station. I think Nashville does have one, though.

    Jennifer Niceley wrote a gorgeous song about hearing trains at night. Speaking of, you should try to go see her perform live sometime for me. She is in Nashville these days. Tell her you know me. She sang at my wedding.

    See you in a few days.

    And, yes, Jed and Brad’s place is my all-time favorite place to visit. It’s like a second home. Their house is awesome and has a great vibe. And, of course, it has Jed and Brad…and they make it the best.

  7. Hooray that you have a place to live and are beginning to get settled.

    The sound of trains is one of my favourite memories from childhood. We had to cross tracks to get to my grandparent’s house and when we heard them we’d run to the end of their driveway and count the cars. One of the things I love about the apartment I live in now is that there are tracks through the industrial area across the street and every so often I can hear the trains going through. I *love* the sound. 🙂

  8. It’s just the newness, and transition from the roadtrip to getting settled. When I moved from LA to NY, sometimes it was the simple things that made the differences so apparent — where do people go to buy toiletries here? what do you mean “coffee regular” means someone is adding milk and sugar to my beverage for me?

    Then you start to notice things: how every 10 blocks is its own community, where your grocer and dry cleaner and pharmacist all greet you by name. And you wouldn’t trade the sounds and smells and people that make your little corner of the neighborhood special for anything in the world. And it becomes home, too. Different home, but still.

    And when you visit Seattle, your family and friends and familiar things will be there, and you’ll appreciate them with fresh eyes. And then you’ll be sated and happier than ever to return to your lightning bugs and train sounds and sweet tea.

  9. You’re our adventurer by proxy! We live through you. So obviously you have to keep reporting in.

    I’m sure everything will feel more sane once you’re all moved in. Nothing is as disorienting as not having a proper home.

  10. Where did the picture in your icon come from?

  11. One of his London shows, I think. Remind me & I’ll go through & find the original. (But I didn’t make the icon).

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