Author of the Queen City Boys books

waiting to derail


So there’s a rumour going around that I’m moving to Nashville. I’ve really got to get on my publicity people to keep that shit under wraps. I swear there’s been a leak in my organization since the beginning and someone is so getting fired over this. Oh what? I can’t fire myself? Fuck.

Have I lost my mind? Probably. But you know what I hate? The idea that I might become someone indistinguishable from the masses of corporate employees who eek out tiny bits of happiness on weekend in their gardens and little hobbies. There’s nothing wrong with that life, it’s just more concerned with safety and security and less concerned with living and seeing and doing. People need security, it’s true, but for me the price for middle class security is too high. So I’m off into the great fucking unknown to do ridiculously impractical things, hopefully for money. And you you know, temp and be desperately poor and all that good stuff. Given a choice between putting on a starched, button-up shirt and heels and slogging my way through stacks of data, doing work 1000 degrees removed from what people need to actually survive, for the next 30 years or putting on a tank top and boots and watching a country band play a small club and worrying about where my next meal is coming from, I’ll choose the latter, thanks.

Got questions? I don’t have answers. Not really. Am I going to be closer in to the land of fake cowboys with hats and guitars? Do I think redneck zen really exists? Why would anyone move to the American south anyway? Yeah, what? I don’t know. But continuous rain, endless emo bands, and pretentious holier-than-thou hipsters in every direction isn’t so great, you know. And how did this become some pretentious exposition on my motivations? Ugh, save me from myself.

Headlong dive, straight into the unknown. If you aren’t a bit jealous then I envy you your life a little. I’m as excited as a person could fucking ever be, except the inbetween, the current limbo, of planning details and like getting moved which is hideous and painful and akin to a too slow rip of to too stuck band-aid. I got projects, plans, things to set in motion. I’mna change the whole fucking world, damn it, even if I only become so self-centered that life change looks like world change from a limited internal view. But you know, I might change the world too, wait and see. Stay tuned, if it isn’t full out soap opera drama, it might be a good as one of those little Chick tract religious pamphlets teaching you a lesson on what not to do. No matter what it’ll be interesting, right?

Author: Ajax Bell

Seattle author. Stops to smell the flowers. Amateur nerd (I wanna go pro but I haven't found anyone to pay me). Humble hippo enthusiast. queer/bi. they/them.

44 thoughts on “waiting to derail

  1. Im so desperately jealous of you you dont even know. I think youre awesome, and I know I, for one, totally cant wait to hear every bit of it.


  2. I think I just fell in love with you a little bit. *squeezes*

  3. HA! Well, you, of course, have no choice but to hear about it from all sides, right? I’m giddy you want to know, though, at least I knew we won’t boring you when we can’t shut up about it!

  4. Heee! For why? Quitting my good job and running away or the giddy blind optimism with which I stumble through life?

  5. You are my hero. But you knew this, I think. I am totally jealous and excited and giddy as all get out for you. You are going to do great things, babydoll. I just know it!

  6. Yes. I find that unbearably cool and charming and HOT. *sexes you*

  7. IF I EVER GET THERE!!! *beats head on wall* I have too much to do!

  8. Well, who knew!? I will continue to be as I ever am and and you can go on with finding that hot. I’m good with that. 🙂

  9. heh. I’ve never done anything practical in my life, so you know I’m behind you 100%. I think you should always put your heart first. And nothing is worth having your soul sucked out by a job.

    Yeah, Easter and sick. Any bars you’re fond of right now, for this week’s reference?

  10. You will get it done and all will be right with the world. Don’t get me wrong, it’ll totally suck like a dirty bitch. But moving always does.

    You should talk to the people in your head and have them entertain you while you do shit. Make them dance, or battle monkies or something.

  11. I’m full of hate for all bars, for bowing under the no smoking asshatttery. The real reason I’m moving is so I can smoke in public again. Um, really, I don’t know though, I have been anywhere but the Fremont Dock in a dog’s age.

    I am very worried over the state of my soul! It can only be saved by judicious application of country music and whiskey. No hair shirts for me, sunburn and mosquitos instead! I can’t let the corporation get my soul!

  12. All the people in my head are on vacation I think. Except Dean, who is wearing jeans and boots and sunglasses and not much else. Stripped down and laying on park bench and roadside rest stop, soaking the first warm Spring sun he’s driven into in months. And right now it feels like there’s a minefield between me and that bench, though I know if I could get to him he’d have really dirty things to whisper in my ear.

  13. I’m weirdly into the country music myself right now. And the no smoking ban is why the merc is so popular right now, i think…

    i’m in love with the waterwheel, in ballard. the smoking area is at least tucked away off the street.

  14. I’m one of those restless people, the ones who are always moving around, seeing new places. I think at I may have been a gypsy or a wandering nomad in a past life. Seeing this post just makes me feel something I can’t describe. I understand this need for change, this need to not be one of those 9-5 people for the rest of your life. I, like you, would much rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable.

    I admire your break for security, from the things we cling to out of fear. I am so excited for you and I can’t wait to hear all about the exciting new chapter in your life.

    I wish you the best of luck, though I don’t think you’ll need it.


  15. Just like Dean to be laying there in the sun when he could be helping! What a bum! Maybe he thinks he’s helping by offering motivation? “Get this done and I will do dirty things to you” kind of thing?

    I have to clean my house so that it looks like we actually live here and aren’t just squatters. I’m trying to find the motivation at the moment.

  16. Should we scrap our never-to-be brunch plans and go have drinks when you get better?

  17. Ha! I have the luck of fools and drunks on my side, for sure.

  18. Yes, I need to clean my house too. Instead I’m watching the Lucero documentary and fucking off online. Clearly Dean and I have the same amount of motivation.

  19. I am a lot jealous. And a lot excited for you too.

    I hope everything works out exactly how you want it to.

  20. Getting up and moving has ALWAYS been the best thing in my life to do at any given time (except that ill-fated decision to move to Olympia; but, older and wiser, eh?)

    (Plus, ahem, we’ll actually be CLOSER to each other! Yessss!)

  21. ..probably. evenings seem more doable, somehow.

  22. It’s just like Portland, except it needs mowing.

  23. Jay-Jay, you are made of awesome. As someone who once chucked in a promising career in advertising (soul-beggaring work man) to go it alone, I’m behind you 100%.

    Also, as another Taurus girl, I can tell you this (you probably know it already): we love our comfort zones so much that often we stay in them over-long simply because they ARE so comfortable. We resist change with all the stubbornness inherent in our sign. But. BUT, when we finally say ENOUGH, when change (it seems) is thrust upon us, we respond to that challenge remarkably well, we rise to it and meet it with practicality, with determination, with that same stubbornness and the will to succeed.

    I am so pleased for and proud of you.

    Here’s a little something that’s been of help to me, when I haven’t always been sure where the path ahead will lead…

    “It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause. Who, at best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

    – Theodore Roosevelt –


  24. Hell yes.

    There ain’t nothing I can add to this tht you haven’t already said. I’d take my life, spending time with boys in bands, drinking my whiskey and having a damn good time over anything else that the world currently has to offer.

    You’re gonna be ace. Fact. x

  25. Yeah, I took a nap. I win at getting fuck-all accomplished.

  26. The whole city needs mowing? Is this a metaphor for something?

    My mother is genuinely concerned that I will be a freak and an outcast there (she actually used those words) cause of my tattoos and such. Although as far as I can tell she also thinks Nashville is rock in the middle of nowhere covered in toothless hillbillies. Ah, northern snobbery.

  27. Wow, thanks! I feel all boosted and supported and stuff (and possibly a little drunk). My current career is in fact in advertising, albeit peripherally, but man, if it’s not Nashville, I swear to god I’m quitting and coming an apprentice brack-layer, at then att he end of the day you can see your accomplishment and have contributed positively to the world. Advertising, man, never again.

    And I wholly agree on the Taurus assessment. Well said.

  28. The scary part is people actually move BACK to Oly! I haven’t even been back to visit.

    I’m so fucking excited about Nashville, I can’t even tell you!

  29. Thanks!!! I don’t know what to expect, but I imagine it’ll be a damn fine time in the end.

  30. ACE!! Heee! YAY! And oh hell yes, I was just driving home tonight thinking about how more I feel like myself since I decided to do this and how corporate life really does KILL YOUR SOUL.

  31. Congratulations! Big steps, but it’s terribly important to make decisions that feed your soul.

    Your mother will always worry, but you won’t be a freak there. Or anywhere else you decide to go. People watch the deed more that the appearance. (Okay, except maybe in LA, but I’m not going there right now.)

    So, Nashville, YAY. You thinking you’ll be there before OctoberFest? Sheesh. I may really really have to go now…

  32. No matter what it’ll be interesting, right?

    My life motto!! I’m so excited that it could kill me!!!!!

  33. I’ve always loved that quote by Teddy. A good one, indeed.

  34. I’m so excited and it seems to be increasing exponentially!!!!

  35. Yeah, I’ll be in Nashville in June.

    I was fine with my mother’s worries once I realized that she’s just INSANE!

  36. Yup, the whole damned place.

    Re: freak and outcast….Yeah, right. Not likely. But, yeah, you can find some toothless hillbillies.

  37. I can’t wait to hear about all your adventures. You will have to write regularly – I’ve always admired your grit, and that whisky voice of yours.

  38. Heee! Well I’m sure Nashville will whiskey up the voice! I have a couple projects, including a new and different blogging project, so you’ll surely be hearing from me during the adventure.

  39. I think it’s going to be a great adventure! And it’s always so much easier to fix a chance-taken that doesn’t go the way you want than to regret not having taken the chance at all.

    Also, if I’d known this was you, I would have friended you back way before this! *g*

    In conclusion: You go, girl!

  40. Heeee! Thanks!

    Apparently Rhi missed it was me too. I swear I advertised all over the place! 🙂

  41. ps. we both have these journals!

    And your words of wisdom are sage

  42. I didn’t realiz how much you were posting over here. Crap. Ok. I will keep up better! No wonder you thought I was ignoring you.

    I am covered in grime and dust and I thinking of throwing out the whole house.

  43. Yes. Trash everything. We won’t have money to buy new stuff, but you don’t really need anything anyway, do you?

  44. Man, I don’t know where I’ve been lately! (Okay, I do, actually. At work. But that’s just sad. *g*)

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